The journey starts

This journey much symbolizes the healing process, i find myself at times miss her, and find myself at times feeling old habitts surface, only when i think of the negative do i acted it. my positive gut is working hard, almost full time. my poor mother drives me bonkers but i notice her capabilty to forget, lose and her short attention span, makes her funny. I think its already frustrating for her to forget and go nuts, the poor thing works overtime dealing with my short strand of patience and my fathers talent of making her feel bad. She deserves my appreciation an she deserves credit, she always has supported me in every choice i made, well the ones she knows about ;). you know being single all my friends tell me dude go chase chicks,.your young and free.. No.. I am young, women are great, but getting intimate has no taste to me.. Sex is over rated.. it really is.. i mean does it bring you happiness, i know pleasure an crap, enjoyable, but doesn’t bring happiness to your door, an doesnt replace old memories. Money is the same, over rated and a damn shame its a neccissity.. Honestly im going to focus on my dream. I am going to do it.. I feel it in my heart. ahh but i feel a slight relief, i think once ill get there it’ll be great. I met a very positive kid last night at a graduation party.. i was dancing and kind of having fun, lol except i cant do the Ymca or the fuckin stanky leg, but i had fun. this kid moved to oregon he said as his rehab, he said it was theroputic, and inspirational, the guy made me feel great. he told me dude your going to like it, its chill, your going to have fun.. bro you made my day dude, thanks for the positive feelings and helpful advice. that was the second person i heard say they love portland.. its like signs from god almost. its amazing. everyone i apologize, for the shit writing. i’m typing on my phone in a bumpy car ride, so its ugly i need a tablet lol

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Thank you guys

Hey everyone, To the people who, read, followed and like my posts.. Thank you, Seriously thank you.. You guys have honestly made me feel stronger, by actually acknowledging and liking my crazy dramatic life long experience. I learned soo much in so little time, and have much more to learn, I didn’t say i was done’ I ain’t no Yoda.. More like whiny Anakin.. 😉 I saw my brother talking ugly to his wife and saw my dad be rude to my mother, and thought man what the hell is your guys problem.. appreciate those women. and love them, help them, comfort them. adore them. My dad should kiss my mothers feet and my brother should do the same to his wife. You know in my negative experience, it really helped my family in a way, after my dad talked nasty to my mom.. He did something he never did before, he apologized and said even when I do that it doesn’t mean I don’t love you… Doesn’t make it better that he bellowed, but he realized and took a small step but took a step in the right direction.. My brother has a nasty temper, after he gave his wife attitude, he said i’m sorry, she said it’s ok i’m used to it, he said ahh but you shouldn’t be, I’m sorry. So to the people that have read this. Especially the guys, unless your counter part is crazy and doesn’t go by the classy side of society and is unfaithful then don’t follow this advice. But for those who have women that they love. Don’t let your stupidity destroy your love. don’t let you testosterone end your moments, don’t let you faults be hidden away from her.. She seems them regardless.. Don’t lie.. If she so accepts you for you.. then stop fronting, stop bickering, stop being mean. be loving, be supportive, be appreciative, be happy. Life is too good to share alone. so don’t kill it.. if you have it don’t lose it. Cause being alone after having someone to share your happiness with is hard, and feels cruel, and if you don’t like standing up and moving on, and if you don’t like pain then cherish the woman that is meant to be for you. If the graceful girl is my meant to be, then she’s my meant to be and time and fate will figure it out, so I leave it to them. So everyone enjoy life.. enjoy it don’t be angry, I enjoy these moments. You too girls. If your man is an ass but you know that he loves and will try for you, then give him a tiny little break, but don’t let him or any body take advantage. Don’t underestimate your intuition either.. It’s your gift among many, I promise you it will serve you right, You guys are beautiful not just physically 😉 , but your whole dynamic and your nature is a real spectacle, no matter mad, crazy, indecisive, shopaholic, barefoot, nails and hair,speeding tickets, your tears, your golden hearts, your love for children and animals, your cleanliness, your humor, your silent but deadly’s, your liveliness, your emotions, your  privilege and honor to carry a child(not saying i want that honor or privilege by any means) but your everything is beautiful and fuckin cool.. Those amazing qualities are only few listed many more there, that are great. Girls are tough, really fucking tough, don’t underestimate them, cause they’ll kick you in the balls..lol. I know that every girl is not perfect but you all have it in you, and us guys too, we have it in us to be the men that are women love, and need and we need in life. enjoy it all, I do, it’s hard to enjoy this particular one but I have to appreciate it because it changed who I am and I how I see things in such a short amount of time, Honesty, compassion, respect, confidence(alil more than usual) ;), realizations, appreciations, faith and hope to fix and correct my errors, my passion to follow my dreams, Strength,honor,and love. I am a smart mother &$^$#@, I really am, not soo much book smart but that will change, I have the potential to do or be whatever i feel. I am lucky to have such a good personality at heart.. I am really.. At heart I am a good, respectful, loving, caring, super sensitive( I hate that part but i can work with it), strong, loyal person. I am proud of myself.. i really am. I think I’m going to be a better person in life.. just because i am acknowledging and praising my pros. And i am acknowledging and fixing my cons. There will always be pros and cons in a person and to being with with. But I want to lessen my cons, and have my pros stand out and out number my few less important cons. I am on the right track to being a true Spartan!! I have an extreme Spartan obsession, Like really extreme, i trey to live my life in Spartan method, Fearlessly, strong, Honorable, and loving. I wish i could put deadly but I ain’t in the military, and i’m not a murderer so I have to scratch that one, but my will power and my will to fight, and try is iron, especially now i actually for once  actually twice 😉 practiced what i preached.. 🙂 now it’s time to do it a third time.

Again thank you guys for listening, You have helped me in a bigger way than you’ve ever imagined, and to the people that are going to read this.. Thank you as well for stopping by and giving me support.. I feel you views and follows are support. If I can do anything for you guys.. Please let me know and I will try my damn hardest.. Except asking for money, I’m broke as a damn joke again..*sighs* feels pretty good 😉

Thanks. Chris.

Now I know

Now I know she didn’t want a man in her life… ah I tried though.. Can’t say i didn’t do that lol. I’m happy for her, she used her courage, and told me to go do my own thing, she said she feels liberated.. Good for you girl… Good for you. I am sincerely happy for you. I’m going to be ok, I’m still going to change but now for my own good. I feel like I haven’t lost anything, but I might have gained something.. Myself.. I’m being able to change my ways and throw them to the curb.. I have to thank you for that. i didn’t get to tell you but one day when you read this you’ll see. i appreciate our times together and cherish your family. i love you.. and Will always more as of now as a friend. you are lovely and a great person, don’t ever forget, and don’t lose that … I took the ring off finally, it felt right this time. If it’s over for now or forever.. i’ll still always remember you with good feelings in mind. Thank you for giving me the strength to carry on. i’m sorry if i creep ed you out with that at the QT i just was uncertain of your feelings, and had to know and see one last time. now that i know. i’m ready to move on.. I will miss you, i really will. love always Chris… 😉

Things are going to get better folks I am so sure of it 😉 there’s always a happy ending to every tale, and mine isn’t done yet.. On my next blog I will tell you how i lost over 160 pounds in less than a freaking year!! Fat teenager to Skinny fit buff 18 yearold 😉 stay tuned. and i will also update on my Adventures in Portland Oregon!!! 😉 let’s stay positive folks and hopeful, it waill go well in the end. PORTLAND HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try.. Yeah i’m going to try..

Everyone, people that are familiar with my writings, I have myself part way back for now, I mean I feel great right now, and more like me but with a better attitude, things aren’t going to change over night or in a day but I have really got my positive attitude back. you know I’m going to go to the graceful girl and try to restart… ehmmm I’m not going to say hey move back in let’s pick up where we left off no. I’m going to ask if she’d like to date again.. just date, see where things will go but with SPACE!! She was willing to try she just needed space well now let’s try without you coming home to me and feeling cooped. Let’s start it slow slow slow, i mean date se where things go, go see your sisters in phoenix go on a trip, i will do the same but let’s still be together.. Dating together I mean I feel like this will work. It’s a better idea, Than her driving around town and not wanting to come back home.. i know she loves me, she said friends.. I know her i do She feels that I’m leaving I and i’m better off, she thinks i have big dreams and she’s holding me back.. Let me make that decision.. OK I’m going to go back and play rugby.. I’m going to take my EMT Classes.. I’m going to do a lot of things were going to have our space.. In order for this to work i have to be a man of my word.. i’m tired of not being that guy.. i tired of failing her.. I have a lot more to offer her that I didn’t before.. I prayed for this one chance.. No matter the obstacle if she agrees then I can do it.. I will. You know I had this happen before with this girl i dated right before the graceful girl, I thought i was in love and ran to her house one night and I tried to get her back.. but there was a problem this girl didn’t really love me at all, just because I was devilishly handsome and I was buff… She did like me of course but not the way I thought I had.. The graceful girl really genuinely loved me.. I know it’s to soon, but i want to ask before I make a permanent move to Oregon. You know she is that important to me.. I would drop my dreams for her in a heart beat,.. I love her a lot.. and I have to try for her.. you know quitting my job and leaving seemed right, but not so right, now it feels wrong.. This feels right, trying again.. with what I have learned about myself will work. In the future if all goes well, If we snuggle i’ll go bare foot all night.. In the future if she wants me to rub her feet for an hour or 2 I will. In the future if we live together she wants to go see her mom and sisters for a girls day or her friends.. i won’t protest or feel bad I’ll either go work out, play my video games or hang with friends…. And if she wants that when we are not living together then i’ll still won’t protest, or anything, she is a free soul, the things i worry about cheating and all that I know she wouldn’t do that So i wouldn’t even have to worry. in the future If we live together and it’s my day off and she wants the clothes picked up and the house I’ll go fucking do it!! If in the future she wants to have a small wedding I will fucking do that!! If she doesn’t want my outside family.. done.. I will do it no questions asked… If in the future you want me to wipe our kids ass, I have a hard time changing diapers but I will of course I will I’ll do it now for your niece and two little twin nephews. I will.. I will always respect your decisions, i will always be your support not your fight back with you on everything.. i will always respect you. I will always cherish and love you.. I will always trust you… And I will always love and adore and respect your Mother, your father, your sisters, and your brother, and their spouses and their children, I will always love and respect your family.. I always will, I appreciate them.. If you’ll let me i’d love have you all back in my life. and try again, slow and simple and let’s see where the road goes. and where we end up.

 

Everyone this is not certain.. Idk what the hell is going to happen i have no clue.. But I know I must try… here I go guys wish me luck..

The answers we might never know

You know on may 19th 2012 is the day I almost lost her, it was may 21st when I lost her, so let’s back up. The graceful girl and I were driving from home depot, she looked sad and depressed and i asked her what was wrong, no reply, I stopped at a gas station, asked her what was wrong.. I said do you want to break up except I was a little more harsh i wrote earlier I was bluffing a cowardly tactic to use on a woman in a state of confusion and sadness. I left the car, walked down the road angry, upset crying.. she didn’t drive to get me… I have done this before, not proud to say it but I did for attention and to make her feel bad(prick move) I did a lot of stupid worthless shit just to get her attention, when fact is I always had it. before I continue we had a time where we were like that, she was quiet, numb un responsive, We decided to go to a strip club with our friends :s Yup we were 19 and we went, on the way there, we fought she was treating me like an asshole for real.. so i jumped out of the car, at this time in out relation ship, she treated me kind of bad, weird how the tables turned, I was different then, I rubbed her feet constantly and her back was laid back and I just loved her.. I was still Mr. jealous and a little bit controlling but not that as bad as now. My issues weren’t around then, just the two. So I jumped out the car said fuck this, walked through a busy intersection, sat around and cried again, fuckin crying why!!! Ah Well even then when we had only been together a few months I thought i lost the woman of my dreams.. How the hell did I know that then, I had walked out one more time before this one she was still in her numb mode, staring off not thinking, just spaced out. and her dad actually picked me up to talk to me and say man you gotta get through to her, cause she loves you. haha well played sir. I went back and worked it out. Now back to strip club night. I’m on the side walk for about 10 15 minutes just needed time, she comes walking up crying, I’m sorry @#^$# (myname) I’m sorry. I looked at her and Screamed I’m Done!!!!! Her face melted down and she cried harder please no she said, Please no.. I couldn’t just leave her, those tears made me feel awful, she didn’t guilt me, at that time in my life i would have held her calmed her down and said ok look this just isn’t working… but I didn’t feel that, I said i was sorry held her and told her I loved her… We did move awfully fast, i mean we were engaged at about 4 months into our relationship.. maybe 3 lol it was quick.. After that night we were still a little awkward after the fight but then after we left, we calmed down she held me in the car I told her I loved her and she said I know and did that smile, looked at my face up and down and said again in a soft voice I love you…. I remember all these moments, I have a great memory, I even remember what she wore that night, Blue shirt with high sleeves with these little ruffle things, and white shorts , with her brown Hollister sandals. I even remember what she wore the first night we met, Purple shirt, can’t remember the tank top color underneath, but yeah Purple shirt, denim short shorts 😉 and the brown sandals lol. She loved those sandals. This girl was crazy at first.. we had bumps in the road but we always got through them. I’ve been seeing that the people who actually love each other you know ones that you can see love in their eyes old young, whatever, they seem to be telling me the rough times they’ve had and some are actually worse. they said it get’s better with time but don’t give up, work through.. I hear that and i know I have to, this is like my calling, break up with girl.. realize your faults and work hard for her, you know i know they call them want’s but i say you work hard enough for anything you can get it. But only if the love she had for me is still there, I feel it.. she has it right in her soul.. I still don’t know why I’m saying that with soo much confidence but I am.. She does love me.

back to may 19th..

After my walk i realized oh shit what are you doing dick head!! I’ll skip the part i mentioned in my very first post but excuse the negativity.. as I write I’m growing more and more secure and less narrow, and just in general growing as a person. Not where it needs to be but i’m getting there. So After hours of hearing no calls and I’m cleaning our room , I get a call from her, I grabbed the phone sooo fast and said hello babe are you ok I’m sooo sorry , she was crying and  said “no i’m sorry, i’m soo stupid I went to my parents and caused a fuss I’m sorry, I’m coming home”. I said no babe it’s my fault, I’m sorry, I am so sorry, please come home I love you. She said “I love you too, I’ll see you in a bit”. 3 hours went by nothing, I ran outside every minute to see if she was coming down the road.. nothing.. When she came back she was totally different.. Like the chick in ghost busters “are you the gate keeper”. She had a different look in her eyes, she told me everything.. It didn’t sound like her at all, in fact the next couple days she acted soo strange.. i went online read anxiety symptoms and how to help with people suffering from Anxiety. i went to my mothers friends house and learned more, she is also a person who is familiar with high anxiety and depression… I tried.. I freakin tried.. She seemed so lost, no joke, even now that I see her she seems different. And I didn’t tell her because she told me that she doesn’t know if who she is is really her because if I changed her.. Shit, That sunk in deep, but you know I’ve known her for 3 years and lived with her for that long… I know who she is, she is a sweet , social, freakin funny, gorgeous, super loveydoovie, girl. She sleeps with her little stuffed animal that makes her feel safe. I mean what’s not to love! It just seemed so weird how she changed tempo from saying sorry i love you to saying I don’t know if we are going to make it, in the span of 3 hours, did she really not love me and just found the courage to say it.. or did she love me and somehow just had an instant change of heart.. focusing on the negativity and so on… Was she influenced.. i have no clue, I keep trying to figure it out, when i just want to ask her what the hell happened, Should I ask her, before I leave, just get the honesty out? i don’t know what i’m expecting, i don’t even know why i’m writing all this.. but I know i still love her crazy.. I’m changing everyday, different moods different realizations the same , guy.. Over the last three years i clouded my self who i was.. I need to step out now.. If i don’t I really feel i lose the girl I love.. The person I can’t regret no more.. I have to have my final chance just to talk to her before I go. just to see if she feels we really have a chance, to tell her i’m changing slowly but surely, to ask if she has that faith that i do. i want and need her to be totally honest.. because I’m leaving so why not be honest.. now. Whether she says stay or leave i have to leave… ok honestly if she says stay I will. but she probably won’t, this ain’t fairy tale this is life.. If we get that fairy tale ending I’ll always treat her like the blessing she is.. Because she is. I was blessed to have her i really was…

What a moment..

Just called no answer.. her mother text, and said she was getting her nails done.. That poor thing has been waiting for years to get her nails done9not really years but you know). She probably is saying i couldn’t have ever done this when i was with him.. If she said or thought that she’d be partly wrong, She could have, but someway or how I would have made her feel guilty about it.. Stupid dick head me. I write all these so their documented, when I feel the urge and realize this was us, i come here to splatter it all over, my writing sucks. badly lol. but I don’t give a rats ass, you know why, cause i’m starting to give myself some credit.. it takes a lot to write this shit, especially when it’s all honest and pathetic, i don’t want sympathy.. well not totally. I just want more insight, I want to fix these issues, but mainly can’t lie i just want her.. I do if i didn’t say that i’d be hiding it or lying, I don’t want to lie or hide, I want to face it, face it all, except I don’t want to face losing her for good, that feeling and realization is just pain. I guess I’m a pussy cause I can’t take pain.. Is it me scared to lose her or is it me having a certainty that ‘will be back.. If thought about hard I have lost her, I have she moved out, we are separated, but why don’t I feel that, I know it, but I don’t feel it, I don’t feel like we are over, yet we are… What is this feeling.. It’s weird. So she just texted hey whats up.. All I said was hi..I couldn’t think of an excuse or anything just hi… dang!

she said..

Graceful girl– “sorry i was getting my nails done

and now i’m late for work(which she is since she’s starts at 1:30)

So  idiot me says

Me-“don’t be sorry, I’m sorry I called,

I tried to think of a good excuse but there wasn’t one..

lol sorry, anyway have a good day”…

ahhh I shouldn’t text any more it should be outlawed.. I was trying to be cute and charming but I read and it sounds terrible.

Then i panicked cause it sounded so weird and i wrote

Me- “I’ll talk to you soon“.. So I would avoid humiliation, look people honestly I’ ain’t no John Wayne, i’m a bad charmer especially on the fuckin text msgs, And John Wayne is a bad example… but If i were talking to her it would have been worse so I’ll stick to text till I get my ass in gear.

She says

Graceful girl– ” It’s ok you can call to say hi lol

but I gotta go to work you have a good day i will talk to you later”.

I try my john Wayne swagger

Me– Alright talk to you later..(goes off into the sunset) and I forgot to put my smiley face so i was going to send another text to put in a smiley, but I thought that’d be over kill so I didn’t

next thing i see from her

Graceful girl– :)… she sent it. lol i know she was trying to be nice, but it was just cool..

Me– 🙂 seeya later

I knew she wouldn’t send another text.. i kinda wanted her too but i knew she wouldn’t she’s in a hurry and probably has a lot on her mind..

I have to write this so my paranoid stupidness drys out. So I  always think twice, not like hmm should i buy this car, let me think about it.. No I’m more like I’l think two things at once split down the middle, so in this case i’m thinking she is late and the other i am thinking she could have just said that to not talk and is running around town. That right there that shit is what messes things up it makes me obsess over nothing it makes me wonder it makes me stressed, angry, delusional,  stupid.. And that is apart of my insecurity, my low self esteem little to no confidence.. If i can beat that things will be better I need A method to destroy that process i’ll be a lot happier without it. Fact is I won’t ever know I stress my self out on the unknown constantly.. It is stupid. That’ll be my first step. I Have a lot to confront, But i’m still not giving up…

Signs…

It is crazy how most people see signs that pertain to their current worries.. or thoughts, or questions.. I see these daily I’m going to update this constantly when i see a new sign that gives me hope and peace. I always for get the signs I see, especially the ones where I don’t look for the answers, the ones that just reach out and tap my shoulder.. it seems those are the honest best ones, the ones that come true, not the ones where I shake my phone to get the answer I want on the magic 8 ball craziness. I should just stop and let the answers come to me. I feel calmness. If in some weird crazy spiritual way a piece of  her is still here, it’s here by choice, all by choice. Does that mean that piece  will re join us or what..? Don’t know but i’m going to love and enjoy it, and keep it close to my heart.

1. I stand in the  dining room looking down the hallway at our old empty room, I feel her presence again, I cry a little and tell her i’m sorry.. I then collect my self and after my moment I see our bamboo plant eegee… I realized he hasn’t been watered in some time, I grab my bottle of water and see a metal sculpture we had that said faith, actually the words faith were the sculpture.. It’s a flat cutout piece of metal that some one put in there a while back.. I saw it and saw that I needed to keep faith..

This lady on this forum wrote this passage:

“Yeah, a lot of couples who break up sometimes eventually do get back together again and years later. The time to be together may not have been right back then, that doesn’t mean that there will be no right time for you both in the future. Throughout those years spent apart, both people may have moved on, moved miles away from one another, met other people, got married, had kids (which all happened in our situation btw, although I am now divorced, he is recently seperated), but still some lost loves will find their way back to one another. If it was meant to be, it will be 

“Must admit that I never would’ve thought in a million years that our paths would cross again, that he’d come looking for me and particularly after all these years. But all these years I still carried feelings for him deep in my heart and I never ever forgot him, seems that applied in his case also”.

I really hope it doesn’t take years and marrying the wrong person, but life has it’s weird ways of making you truly happy when you feel like you shouldn’t be. It’s really weird to me, I acknowledge that all this hope and faith I’m gaining could be just a coping method to hide my self from the reality.. We are broken up, yet i don’t feel like we truly are, she is gone but not totally, I bet people have felt this all before.. And may have not been back together, and thought they’d never find happiness. I feel that to be bull shit in my case, I feel strong feelings that I can’t remember is they served me right or not.. wait ya they did.. I’ve had these feelings before.. haha I don’t realize these things ever, I feel we will be fine, through any force, My love is still strong for her, maybe cause I just lost her, maybe cause I realized my faults, and more realizations are to come.. We saw that movie hall pass and thought that shit was dumb, funny movie it was good, but I felt that leaving and going off from your spouse was going to help!! now I think I’ll figure the rest out, I’m seeing through some new eyes right now, I’m seeing that I did a lot of mistakes, I’m wondering if they’ll ever be forgiven.. not sure.. I feel like calling her right now.. just to hear her of course but to really see how she is doing, just to ask how are you how is work? cool you have a good day. i think i just might.. it’ll help me get through the day folks.. Don’t worry i ain’t going sappy, and I hope this won’t be a violation of her space. i don’t want to violate it, i just want keep in touch. i’ll call her.. i’ll let you know how it goes.. or maybe i’ll just keep this one to me.

 

“choice I saw the words choice, another answer to my questions”

Excuse my weakness

I looked back at my other posts and realized dude.. It’s fine.. it’s is going to work out, so stop.. and relax.. Chill.. and be calm… Graceful girl there really is an entity here it feels like your hugs.. I can’t explain it, I think that piece of you you felt you lost is still here still around.. Now I’m talking more spiritual, i’m not a nut I really am not, I can act like a child and do shit for attention 😉 and not realize my faults but but i’m not crazy.. I feel you.. I can feel your heart and mood, it’s weird totally fuckin bushwhacked.. but i can feel your soul, girl. It’s silly but my faith is relying on a magic 8 ball app on my droid.. haha technology huh, every time I see the answer i don’t want I keep shaking it lol.. Fuckin thing pisses me off sometimes. One thing i know for certain is she needs space total outward space.. she needs time, to heal and to win her personal hide an go seek she has going on within. It’s ok she’ll get it.. she’ll get a lot of things she wants.. I want to be the man for her of course, I want her to stand up tall and strong always, she thinks I think she is weak.. she is not, I know she ain’t hip on confrontation, and who is, she does sometimes hide, but not always. graceful girl don’t take anymore shit babe, don’t.. you are tough as nails.. to break off a 3 year love is tough.. for you to finally see whats needs to happen and go for it wasn’t easy, you did the right thing, if you followed your heart you did the right thing. But don’t follow influence, follow your soul.. always follow yourself and no one else. If I were to die today I would be totally sad and distraught, I haven’t completed myself yet.. Only time will tell where life is headed for me.. This 3 year time was like my life, she was my life, I did it all for her sacrificed soo much, and so did she, and I don’t regret it at all, I try not to know I honestly feel any regrets just heart ache. I only regret what I should have changed but no longer can.. I can only change the behavior that set me up here. I never told her thank you in person, I have to remember to do that. Just a thank you for everything you have done for me, Thank you for your beauty, thank you for sharing your dearest treasured memories.. I was always in denial with her, huge steamy dumb blinding denial. I was. there were times I felt that I hated her, that how could I love this girl.. i used to feel she never fought for me.. So I fought for her about it.. She wasn’t much communicator either, she rather hide her feelings than share them, I feel like she has done that her whole life.. I feel like her whole life she has lived somewhat unhappy at times.. she said she always felt Guilt, pressure, depression, insecure at times, and stress, which all equals a big stress bomb.. if i would have known then I totally would have been more supportive, I would have listened and gave her more time than she ever needed. She can always trust me.. she can.. with anything she needs to trust me with.. you know I have never cheated.. 3 years no cheating, not going to lie i have had women do some pretty crazy things to try an acquire me, mostly in my college classes, i’m not trying to be arrogant, I apologize if i sound it but I’m not. at work, school, in public, girls would say and try some pretty irresistible stuff (for most men). All I had to do was see my ring and I saw her.. It was like a super ring, she used to kiss it to give me kisses for the day so i could kiss it.. haha she was thoughtful and freakin funny cute, I still have a bunch left over and yes I still kiss it. (leave me alone damnitt) No matter how attractive the women were they were still no match compared to her. You see that’s why this situation is hard and complicated, I had a love that broke through all bounds, we made it through soo much honestly we should have broken up many times before. But we didn’t we worked it out and stuck close.. we still managed to have happy days, fun days. I wanted to take her to go caving before we split.. I wanted her to have fun,I wanted to go skydiving with her, and travel with her, travel like road trips and maybe Puerto Rico, and Hawaii definitely wanted to see where she grew up, Olympia, Fields ,IL. the place where all stars come from ;).. You know writing this and hoping us to get back together sucks.. the feeling is hard, One day I read her face book messages on her ITouch I never told her because I was afraid she’d leave me… idiot.. I shouldn’t have looked just trusted, but i did. I saw a message from her first love stating that he messed up in high school and wanted another chance.. I was infuriated totally pissed off, I wanted to confront her and say what the fuck.. but honestly what would that have accomplished.. I shut up up held a grudge like always and went on treating her badly.. She knew how jealous I was so how could she talk to me. I blame… blame and blame my self for this.. I know I shouldn’t but I do, cause, If I just relaxed I would have been fine, right now I’d be sitting with her, watching T.V or working out at the gym or taking her to work or going to breakfast.. maybe on a giant hike, or go shopping with her and help her pick out clothes.. I hated shopping, my mother is too blame for that shit.. But watching her shop and all women is interesting.. it’s like clothes on a rack and they know automatically what to do, the sounds of hangers sliding on metal, their intense fierce looks, bumping into other women for that last size of the jeans.. haha. the graceful girl asks a million questions when shopping an was very indecisive.. it used to annoy me, but it was actually cool, that’s what made her perfect.. just standing there like all women looking through the same pile 100 times. I should have enjoyed that more. I enjoy the memories, her in the dressing room haha funny stuff, one time  it was like a huge sale going on.. her mother, her sisters all went shopping at Khols, yes I was there, separation anxiety boy.. They would all just lerk around together like they’re going through a maze, these determined women, then after they gathered all their clothes they’d pile into the dressing  room, gossip, laugh loud! talk, goof around, ask a million times do I look fat or ugly, try on something else and I heard ughhh, burggg, ewww.. “oh that seems nice”. haha it was hilarious they are all good people. the older sister doesn’t really mix well anymore with me. that’s ok she still is a good person, she’s the funniest of them all when shopping lol, she was the most concerned and determined one of all, she is a beautiful person. The younger sister, yikes she made it hell for me when The graceful girl and I first dated, but she ended being one of the coolest people I have ever met, very strong willed, freakin hilarious, very kind hearted, you’d never think so at first cause she is a fire cat. she’ll tear you up.. but she is a sweet person.. has the world pretty much figured out, no one should every worry about the little one, she is strong, and really smart. The mother, she is scary sometimes , not as much as the little sister, but she can be fury’s way. That woman is cool, she actually had a comforting feeling about her, a feeling i neglected, I was just angry at the issues she had with me and my mom, and the graceful girls and I relationship but she was strong devoted woman, loved her family more than anyone could ever love. She is very inspirational, 5 children one of which she lost after birth.. She has been threw hell, she watches children day in day out, her grand children, takes care of them, you see the love, and that’s the love the 4 kids got.. it was cool to see.. I neglected soo much. The dad was a true definition of tough. the man know’s so much, and accepts a lot when he shouldn’t have to. He made me laugh the hardest laughs.. he is a good man, someone I’ll always keep in mind when i need to get threw tough times another father figure to me. The little angel they called my niece, That little girl I’ll always miss, she was just a little angel, funniest kid you’ll ever meet. I should have said good bye to her. The brother, is a mysterious fella, he is a cool guy, lives in a barrel of constant stress, no good for his health but he pulls through, he is a good guy, I see  him like a brother. It’s crazy that I didn’t appreciate the Graceful beauty, but I also didn’t appreciate the wonderful family that was infact  family.. they were my family. I wrecked it, they are tough to get along with at times but they are some extraordinary people, I had fun almost every time I went there, but I didn’t ever admit it. Damn fool… I thought they were messed up and crazy and weird. but they are not, they are a strong loving family. way different to mine, mine are crazy too. Not perfect at all, my family is actually boring and seriously annoying a lot! I learned a lot from her family that I neglected. I realize yet another thing, i really loved her family, i really do. I used to say that but I was lying i let anger and jealousy blind me from it, I was jealous of them, the love they had for each other. The love the graceful girl had for them and they had for her… I didn’t appreciate that.. they involved me in everything, they let me live there, let me eat there, let me experience Christmas there.. They did perfect yet another idiotic neglect I had. jealousy, Controlling, bad temper and spoiled are a terrible combination. That is all inside of me, I’m conflicted as well I’m trying to fight it all at once.. I forgot to mention laziness..  If I get this all figured out I honestly don’t want it to be given to another girl.. I want the best of me, given to her and her family. I wasn’t always lazy, i wasn’t always angry, I was always  jealous and controlling but they both got worse.  You know I said “if” I get this all figured out haha nope, “when” I get this all figured out.. I will get it done. I know it. Graceful girl don’t lose it ,the water’s high and don’t be jumping into it… don’t become undone yet..

Tough

Sitting at home moping doesn’t help.. i just wish I didn’t mess this up… IU hate the fact that i want her her sooo bad that it hurts.. and the fact that she is just going on leaving me behind it seems like… I don’t know that.. I still feel her here with me.. like a piece of her stayed with me for a reason, maybe it loves me  so much it stayed and doesn’t want to leave.. I don’t know.. I wish I knew I hate that feeling.. It’s almost like I can feel hers.. I love her soo much.. I just don’t want to let go completely.. I just didn’t know what i was doing… I regret it soo much, I failed her.. she didn’t fail me.. she didn’t I did. I know it takes two to tango but i messed it up.. i just wish i could get more more minute just to try, just to try one last time.. It has been the hardest time of my life.. I keep thinking back to having faith.. i have too..  i really feel like i can’t lose this.. I was going to have kids with her, i used to think about us married and having a home with kids, we had names, and we had each other.. I’m better now I re-gained myself finally right now.. have this feeling in me that shouts.. I never should have let me emotions and negativity win.. I knew in my heart she loved me but always doubted it with trust issues and fearing the worst.. It’s time to break that habit.. I can’t work out for some reason, and I can’t eat for some reason. I just feel empty all over.. I’m dehydrated to all hell. I know that’ll all come back but The graceful girl i keep my head high for.. I still feel you around.. I’m sorry I’m saying sorry to me.. I’m trying to forgive myself.. So this doesn’t carry on, pouring out my heart here isn’t easy, i want to lie and make myself sound better but I can’t, and I won’t.. I keep hearing this song in my head she loved, 1000 years by Christina Perri.. I still wonder what the real people in the vow did? The guy mainly.. i want to know how he coped and kept his faith strong.. I have my moments of clarity and strength but it all dulls away once I feel her inside.. If i could run to her right now and that’ll make the difference I would if I could call her and tell her wait.. I would.. but this goes back to the space she needs and perhaps I need.. She needs this.. And I know I can change my way.. I know that if she came back I’d be semi ready to start over.. but she wouldn’t be.. and that wouldn’t work again.. Time heals all it’s cliche but true.. I will heal and so will she and maybe then.. just maybe I can get the graceful girl back… Just let fate decide, just don’t take to long fate I freakin miss her.. :). It’s going to be ok, she is going to be ok, I’m going to be ok.. I see her again I will.

The morning shock

I dread sleeping.. I really do.. I dream that’s why.. I dream that we are still together and everything is ok… Then I wake up look around and wonder what the fuck… I feel anger sometimes, Like why did this happen? I lost that girl who made life better, who cared about me… I still feel like a jack ass. Now that I just sit here, nothing sounds fun anymore, books, movies, food, video games.. nothing has appeal everything sucks.. It will get better I know.. But can’t I just smile… I miss her dearly, I wonder about her constantly I feel her as if she is still here like we have some sort of connection, and yet I don’t have her.. It’s a sad dark realization, that makes my stomach hurt.. I just really want that chance back.. Regret, regret, regret… I don’t want to be the guy who 10 years down the road realizes I should have… That’s why I drove to her work to see if i tried would it work out.. Something still tells me it will, but is that just wishful thinking.. I can’t give up on her.. Not yet, not for a while… I just can’t stop thinking that she really doesn’t love me.. I feel like she does, she used to just flourish in love, but now night and day difference.. It’s still a shocking numb feeling I feel. Like this isn’t real.. But it is and I have to keep moving on.. We agreed to this, her mother says she feels conflicted, but maybe this space will do the trick… For us to have another chance, I pray for that. I would be that guy, that just looks at her and smiles, like she used to do with me.. I would be that guy who didn’t care about looking like a fool singing Taylor Swift songs in the car, with her, I would let her paint , nails, pluck my Caterpillar brows.. let her just rub her feet on my bare.. I would do it all now, let her spend time with her family and friends, i wouldn’t cage her up.. i would just appreciate the moments I have with her… I wouldn’t let her stress, I would be more patient, more understanding, less stressed, less worried.. I would focus on her feelings, and howto help, help communicate better, I wouldn’t abuse my privileges and her fer feelings.. I just want he to know that I realize it now, but she is in a different state of mind right now,  I can tell, she probably feels like she has a weight lifted off her chest… I just hope she doesn’t forget.. me, or lose hope for us for one day.. I get to see her one last time on Friday before I figure I’ll give her the address to this site.. And i don’t know if this’ll do a difference, but I pray it will.. I’m always trying for her, trying so hard it makes me sick to my stomach. my heart is crashing, crashing hard..

God please give me the strength and the courage, and please let this all work out in the the undefined end.. Please protect the graceful girl and her feelings, please allow her to live happily and fearlessly, give her strength, and success, give her  guidance so she can find her way again. Amen

I  Pray for her, and me… let the positive thoughts sink in today.. She still said I love you! she said it twice :), doesn’t mean in love, but love.. I love you too #$@-bear.. (her nick name) I love you too.