DO we ever consider our fate and our rough moments. There a crazy thing, watching the world open from a new view is something that just eliminates all fear of doubt.. We all deserve to win, Be hopeful in all successes and in all motions. We have the undying power to set an lay our path for the future. An that’s an amazing power we possess, can we all change? Yes, can we all determine our outcomes.. Yes. This is no secret just a challenge of making a decision. Don’t worry any more life has purpose. Coming from the guy who has tried to stop his a time before, sat in the dark and just gave up. Did not let it overcome, and I have won.. now. Time to accelerate my self for the that open sky(my Dream) I’m gunning for it fast and need my momentum to keep up. I just smile and continue forward. No back tracking With or with out . I don’t stop unless the sacrifice is necessary, I did it once and it was worth it for sure. No regrets. I have a chance and a guide beyond any. Surrounded by the many who watch over me, with great care. So what is there to feel bad about, no reasons. I have all the things I need. And I hold onto to them with great appreciation. And I’m forever grateful to that. I neglect to easy and over look to easy. Let us take one moment to really admire and respect the people and loved ones we have, forget material. Just open up and really it it home, and really discover what we have and what we do with what we have. Denial and running ain’t an answer. Its an excuse. I talk about this but I am trying this and I realize all. Figure your self out and keep it solid. May not make sense but it’s crazy how 15 minutes of listening to a song really brings out a person you never knew.
Dang, It’s insane, How these moments of weakness can plow through you like a wrecking ball! Anger just fills in your blood stream, dreams disappear, the feel is gone, and real becomes a blur. Watching my whole existence decay, like a bad nightmare.. Night terrors waking you, keeping you exhausted, Ha and I said these things are a beauty.. They are, its my own mind.. Thats the problem here, having a creative mind, with limitless power in fabrication, blurs your reality. Creating worlds and creating their indigenous populations is a very crazy scary task, that my mind just does. Creativity is a gift but a weary one, finding a balance is not an easy task. I really have lost my way, an this goes beyond the woman I was going to marry. It happened when I lost weight, I destroyed myself to become what! fact is no one, I mean no has ever seen me for me since 2008 an before jeez now tat I think about it that was coming back to Tucson from Florida.. ahh the infamous hell hole haha.. It’s a great place just let it defeat me thinking back I have altered my persona many times to do what.. Fit in? no just look stupid, an have my close friends an family see through it like a compilation of lies.. Lies. It’s true I was a habitual liar. to stray away from embarrassment. I said and lied for pure stupidity and created a false image of my self, of course the guilt tha came after that which told me not right, gut feeling hitting me like my friend, don’t lie. That guilt fused with my self pitty and bull shit created a mask. I can’t seem to see on the other side. Blocked my self from reality and from my destiny, Trapped in a cell looking around for an escape but not chiseling away at the walls. I k now what the problem is.. But how the fuck do i fix it? That’s my question, its like ok snap out.. then nothing.. ok now… nothing again. Hmm ok let’s just give up and over compensate to hide the disaster that haunts and destroys me, truth be told I’m a beast, I have one in me that is so deep it brings tears to my eyes thinking of it, this monstrous rage so upset because I have put all my resentment and bull shit in there, stored it nice and tight. and yet it’s a ball of shit. It doesn’t define me, But it bugs me. I want to clear my head, just calm it an find out the issue, because in fact I feel like I’m going to have a nervous break down at times , Yikes is fucking right. Writing this makes me feel better, there are always going to be challenges tougher and worse but doing this will helps. It’s purifying my head breaking down all walls and barriers and rebuild. Need master Yoda for that shit. Ok so here’s my me at this moment, Tired, sad, not so angry thank god I have a great handle on that, still lying but not to stray from embarrassment but so people will shut up an leave me the fuck alone while I figure out my own shit. Damn that is mean but I’m not saying out loud here is perfect it relieves the pressure and helps me tame the wild raging bull inside. That bull actually have gotten smaller alot smaller, my basic negative emotions are now mostly just being annoyed. I really don’t feel like ahhhhh pissed off anymore. I feel more relaxed and calm but one issue, I still don’t know who the fuck I am, Really like I say awkward shit I can’t figure out how to throw a joke out there yet I was great at it, I’m overly shy and scared of failure beyond belief and can’t relax there is a giant stick lodged directly up my ass, just sitting there, poking out driving me nuts, except the damn thing is like the sword in the stone all up in my asshole,. So I try to pull this shit stick out and nothing. It won’t budge so My next set of goals is to stop being so shy, especially with people I like, If I don’t like you I’ll smile and think whooaa your crazy! but whoa the hell am I to talk. I’m a good guy I’m actually a softie not too bitter I’m 22 and act like I’m hitting my mid life crisis. I like kids I like animals, I like alot of girly songs, I like romantic movies, the concept of love and watching them run together in the rain is awesome, not the likely of scenarios but what the fuck why not. You know I’m going to do that for the next woman, cause honestly life is so damn short and one of them just one as far as we know. So why risk it. I’m going to start taking more risks and fucking live it. Go skydiving get a tattoo (maybe). I’m going to make fucking movies. and I’m going to conquer my mind, because I know I’m jack enlarged prostate, but I’m fucking jack too, Mr. Chris’s version of Durden you have had your time parading and eating me alive. I don’t see Brad Pitt walking aorund kicking people’s asses, But I do have a saboteur in side and that bastard is me, but I can’t really stop it, it makes me think of shit I don’t want too and other weird crap. But it’s all me cause it’s in me. My brain is me, it controls my fingers typing and all the other great shit, what i say when I scratch my ass, I mean it’s the power, and it’s me. My body is like a vessel, the engine is the brain, the real power behind the muscles and facial features. So when it doesn’t cooperate it deals a giant mess. So for real this sounds crazy and bizarre but it’s a real issue I’m facing, I’m actually a cool dude, and pretty much sane well as sane as what people consider it. I love life, I love being honest, and I’m pretty much 98% almost 100% and I have honor and integrity and devotion. I am a good man and after compromising and accomplishing my next challenge I will be happy, and better for it. I got this, it’s just a pian in the ass, I’m talking bout that fucking stick, which is slowly making it’s way out, sounds wrong, but whatever. Have a good day folks, and wish me luck. I have to do this so I can continue for the bigger picture. Next hardest challenge ever.
My positivite attitude helps me redefine
You know I changed the theme, My heart is still patching up, But I can’t just let it drive me. That woman on the header image, what do you think she is feeling? Certainly some kind of moment she is having where she can open her arms and smile at the sky. Not many people have those moment where we can just look out our windows or stand outside and just smile, just knowing that there is some kind of calm and wondrous feeling that over takes us is amazing. In these last two weeks just from my writing, you can tell I have a change of attitude, I speak from my heart, on this, I’m one guy just writing, letting go of everything that binds me to bend the truth, I can’t anymore. I see a person that I want to be, that is myself, and I go and grab it. You can fake who you are, easy to do, have done it many times, but after the front, you ever get that feeling of disgust, like wow I’m really fucking fake. I hate that feeling I think people who realize it do too. Nothing is short of impossible, it really isn’t anyone can do anything they want, mind, ethic, and heart. The pale blue dot, there is something majestic about that video, I don’t know if it’s the moguai track or Carl Sagans speech, the clips, or is it the point it makes. To me it makes perfect sense. This world is all we have, he said “this is were we make our stand”. That is very true, So let’s make the best of it we can. Can’t live in regret, no way to live. Follow your gut, because it’s usually right. I’ve learned that, and the other is not to give up. Don’t ever. So I say let’s live strong and happy, and make this life the best we can.
I’m here folks my second week here. a little scary, but none the less exciting. I have been working my ass off at the gym and have done some new things, I’m feeling great most days. Don’t get me wrong I still have my doubts and my days where I feel like junk. I still have trouble sleeping, mostly because I can’t stop dreaming of her and our past.. But I get over it quick. I want that girl to be happy no matter what. She deserves it, to finally be at peace and love life, I pray for it for her. I want her to have the world. Now I focus on taking care of myself, it’s a great feeling to be this lone nomad in this crazy world. I love this life, heart break and all you have to appreciate it always.. my support system is one of the best, friends from all over taking the time to give me strength and courage. I will not let myself down, and them. I feel awesome guys, its really great,Portland is an amazing city, people here drive a little funky. but so much to do it’s insane! I’m heading in the right foot steps for my dream, I think I might even start playing rugby again lol you guys have done wonders for me just by viewing. I’m starting to get myself back, still got work to do but loving myself. I’m a good guy, I care, I love, and I am being more supportive to friends and family than I have. I try to understands the complexities that people encounter, and feel in their emotions. I listen, I appreciate, I’m thankful.
I have a list of things I’m doing starting two weeks ago, And I’m being pretty successful
Be completely honest, no matter how the embarrassment strikes 😉
Be less angry, let them go. It feels much better to let the anger flow away, the things that bother me no longer do as much honestly. But I’m doing it.
Enjoy life, every minute of it, I love the things around me, I’m in a public library and just love it, it’s amazing here I snuck some pictures. I’ll post them later.
Last.. be myself, I’m an amazing person, I have the will of steel, I don’t want to be arrogant but I have to give myself the credit.. credit I deserve, I accomplished so much mentally and physically. I’m going to be very successful, just as long as My mind and I can have a mutual understanding. It’s my worst enemy, it’s what tore me apart in my relationship, and tore me apart in other moments in my life. It’s time to face it, and so far so good. I have the confidence and the strength to fight my way through tough times. I’m not going to be broken, and I’m not. I hope my ex is good and feeling as joyful as I, I really do, Graceful girl.. I pray for your success and your wishes to come true. A truly caring person hopes and wishes for the biggest and best for you. I have faith in you.. I have faith in myself, everything is going to be just fine.. In fact more than that. I am very proud of myself and the friends and family I have. And to the followers and viewers I would like to share this song with you.. It helps me out on my crazy days .. This song has a feel of my emotions i n it.
The feelings I felt of
This song at 2:42 is like me stepping up again, dropping the regret sorrow and pain, an focusing on the bigger picture.. And sprinting for it, I’m going to be and already unstoppable in my pursuit.. and trust me I won’t ever stop.. I have that attitude and the balls to actually do it, I now finally practice what I preach, I am a true badass, don’t have to lie about it this time, I really am. in many ways I am, but I have the power inside me to go for it, and so I am. Anyone can do this, it’s just a state of mind, I pray for those that don’t have it to have the courage and respect to accomplish their dreams and goals with the highest success.
I talked to a friend the other night, well text, she was a person very close to me back in high school, I respect and admire this woman (there’s actually several people I truly admire) She told me something I always felt, and something I have actually heard before in different words though. She told me “I saw something in you”. I can’t explain the reason why I’ve felt so many people have told me this, but I feel it. There is this song I have always felt a connection too, I can’t really honestly explain but no bull shit I always felt like this song is talking to me, @ 1:15 in the song that woman’s voice (lovefoxxx). I feel like she is talking to me , the song made me feel in my lowest times that there was something inside that drives me through it all, something that just has enormous purpose, an I know there is, I have an amazing combination of things, artistic(very very creative), Athletic, will power, strength, determination, love, passion, a feeling of emotion and love for strangers, and now honor, and honesty. I’m getting closer to being fearless. I guess being fearless, is conquering the fear you already have, and continuing to do that for the next set of fears and challenges.
I love that, there really is something inside, I feel it, warmth, its a good feeling… I can’t take all the credit for all this, I have to thank God, my parents, My family, my friends, everyone and her(ya you helped 😉 and for that I am gracious and grateful for you all, thank you. You know I have witnessed that the people can still exhibit love, and kindness to the person next to them. it really is a spectacle Thank you for that as well.
Lots of good people out there, It’s good to know.
Thank you, again Christian Caballero (By the way don’t forget my name.. I’m serious on that one.. it’ll be bigger than ever one day, it honestly will)
if you want add me on FB an see how it starts..