Watching it begin…

The creative elements that I bring, are starting to show their way. My success rides on me, all this depends on me. It’s a wonderful feeling. I am going to pitch my idea to kickstarter.com. I always ask I am going to need help. I talked to my daughter yesterday for the time yesterday. I really don’t care what my baby decides to be boy girl. I promised her I would and I could and I have. I am going to succeed for my daughter and her mother. I promised and I am going to keep it. I see y chance and I am going for it. Sprinting a million miles for it. I am a machine built on faith an love and hope. I will do this. I need the help, I am pulling together a crew and it needs to be larger. I ask for artists of all types to join me in this. I can’t offer anything but recognition, I am working on a project that will involve people from all around the world. Bringing us together to succeed. I know it will happen and it already has. You want to be apart of this. The project deals with 6 different genre’s I plan on mastering, with your help any you can offer, it will be more than mastered. It will  be a revolution. This I can promise you.

Christian Caballero.

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Believing in a Hero

I am keeping my attitude strong, Positive, working hard, making new friends. I am start to sink on some days. I can pull my self out. So much on y mind and it’s the negative darkness overtaking my mind. It feels so hard, I know it isn’t hard, it’s easy and I can overtake. I just have these moments I am trying to eliminate. I sometimes see my self being beat down, held and taking hits to the face. I can take the hits, one after another I can look forward and the pain fades. I will do what I have to too, and I will take that moment, to remember what I am, and what I can do. 

 

It drives me crazy, anger and frustration have been circulating my head, I worked so hard and thought I conquered this fully. I obviously didn’t, I let it take me again. Knowing that I have a child coming into this world, and knowing I can’t have a family, hurts more than anything. The mother is a great lady, but I don’t know if she is right for me. I am a nice guy too nice. I have recently trended loving everything and everyone. I love life and I know this moment is just me ranting and letting out, so I can focus. I want the woman that I am suppose to be with, whoever she may be to know I promise, I will always support you and have you back, doesn’t matter. I want our time with each other to be appreciated, I want to go and live and I want you to too, as long as I know you’ll be home with me at the end of the night. I don’t care if you flirt for a free drink or dance with your friends, have fun. I will have fun too, and I will be home to you too. I want us to enjoy our lives together. I will always be faithful and I will always be honest I use to lie a lot to evade from embarrassment. Everyone that has just met me knows more about me than anyone even my family, just ask and I will tell you always. I am honorable I will always do the right thing and I already do. This is me there is more and words are cheap. Actions have a way of proof. I can I will.

I don’t know why I write this, honestly fate decides my way in that portion, I decide the rest for me. I know what I am going to do, in these moments of weakness, if I said I am always positive and strong I would be lying, yeah the “Hero” who I am referred to is “Human”. I can and do overcome this, it feels hard like I said. Fear fills my heart and brings the doubt. I by nature want to blame everyone else, but there is no one to blame but myself. That is the part that makes me more. I know it is me, I am the soul reason for for nonsuccessive nature. I have brought all my fears to life, because I created it. I know this, I know this by heart. I also know I can change this, I know I have the power to change the pattern to get out of the circle, I have done it already. I know what to do to combat my negative nature, but somehow I still let it get through. I will continue to succeed, this is just a state of mind and it bleeds out the feeling. I know it’s a challenge, it honestly is a easy challenge. I don’t really like talking to people about it, especially ones who see me and are inspired by me and my success, the “Hero” feels pain, the “Hero” loses faith, the “Hero” doubts? Yeah I do, but I’ll tell you something, its about how we go forward with it. I don’t want you to lose your inspiration, these moments happen, and keep that inspiration close to your heart, because when I achieve my dream, I want you to know even with these moments, success is still obtainable and right in reach. We determine our our success. I have determined mine and I am living it.

 

When I get there, I will tell you can. “Real Human,… Real Hero” 

 

An update on my dream. Its still in the planning stage, Film Festivals and Contacts are gathering, I have people willing to help and that are already helping. I am going to use the nations talent for my success. Have to get more information before opening my company, Eye Watch. Now it’s time to learn the business and talk to potential Investors and pitch my passionate Idea to the world. I am ready and it is in grasp. I want this, I will have this, I already have it.

Put your mind to your dreams and k now life is easy life is good and we can do what ever we want. Not unrealistic that thought is for people who have never had the courage to do it. An always wonder why life is so hard and struggling, and for those who have tried and failed and feel regret and doubt and felt it while trying, lose the attitude, because that is why we fail. Mind set, our minds are much more than we think. Us we (our minds) pave the way for our wants and needs. If you have a dream go for it, you want to be a millionaire go for it. 

People sometimes think it’s crazy and I am a 22 year old nut bag who doesn’t make sense. Well I am a nut bag… a cute one by the way but I do make sense.. It’s common sense. What we want want is always inside us, and stays close by. Look inside, and you’ll be surprised what you find. Power.

Have a good one folks, I am still on my path and working to have it, and I am going too, watch, watch me closely I promise you..  I will do it.

Christian Caballero.

To those I email.

” Hello My name Is Christian Caballero, I have a an undying passion in me, one that I buried so long, because I didn’t know how to express, my creative world that resides in my very self. I have this amazing talent to imagine the world, through a tale. A purpose and direction. My mind is constantly working, so many stories with visuals and soundtracks just lay in my head, floating through this dark waste land where orbs float with the visuals of my stories showing through them. I’m not high haha That is a vision I see right now for my creativity. excuse my crude explanation, grammar is a weakness I work to strengthen. Those visuals of my stored ideas always changes. Its my passion, it’s something that lives inside me. I was always a terrible student, instead of thinking of math, I thought of two super soldiers having a giant destructive hand to hand fight throughout the classroom. Bad grades constantly.My major influence is music, I tell everyone you play a soundtrack with feeling and emotion, I’ll listen and start seeing shots of some crazyness example a man running on a roof top, and then I ask why is he running, and from who? I continue on and after sometime, I have a giant story, then I work to fill in the details. Till you have this crazy movie that just has so much to build off of. IT’s a dream and A dream I have now decided to pursue. I failed at my previous relationship , I let the negativity bring me down and I couldn’t imagine doing anything else besides film. My ex didn’t believe in the dream and I let it die, she told me to pursue it and go for it, she had my back, but stuck in self pity and weakness, I let it die. After we broke up, I came to Vancouver Washington, Where I had a plan to pursue film and go to film school, play rugby enjoy my youth. I changed so much after our relationship, I became the fearless man I always wanted, and I now even more. I have totally redefined myself in the course of a month and a half. July 3rd, I get a call, my ex calls me, crying. I ask what’s wrong, she tells me we are going to have a baby. Whoa! What! haha yeah I’m going to be a father, she is about 4 months pregnant. What a shock and news, I decided then I have to do this, I have to do live my dream, not just for me but for my Child. My father when he was my age came to the U.S from Puerto rico, with 300 dollars in his pocket a wife and a daughter. Well I’m in a similar boat. My father succeed and is a highly  valuable engineer at Raytheon. I am going to have that success. My father always loved math and doing what he does. I always loved my passion. I made a decision and I am following my dream. I am Highly positive and working on becoming more ha, I know I can do this and I will. Everyone has a story behind their success  and this is mine. I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I ask for help, help in anyway you can offer, advice, help with this monumental project, I am taking on gladly. I appreciate this deeply, I apologize I wouldn’t normally ask for this or any help, but that little sonogram picture is making me take leaps in ways I can’t explain, and asking for help is the least of the risks I am willing to take. I am in Vancouver, Washington and I am working on bringing a crew together, not just here, but I have people helping in New York, Florida, Arizona, had help and trying to get more form L.A. If you know anyone either that would be interested in helping, I can offer recognition, and hopefully more. If anyone has knows how to prioritize well, please contact me, and I can give you the raw game plan I have, that can be easily molded and help me be pointed into the right path. I am working for this dream and believing in it and believing me. I am staying positive, no negativity exists inside me, and I’m flushing the rest out, I can do this and I am going to. 

 

Thanks Christian.

 

I wrote this in an email but it was too long, so I put it here on the blog, so my story can be read. It’s a lot of reading, maybe I should start vlogging, that word is crazy haha. This is redundant I know but it wasn’t intended for the blog, it was originally a gmail. Thank you guys again.

Creating this world, and inspiring.

Ok So today I contact more and get more contacts, I am still working on pulling together the crew. So far everything is heading in the right direction for just starting this journey 5 days ago, well really starting, Thursday haha. I have a plan a plan to use KickStarter a website recommended to me by an acquaintance. I have another place to try for funding Cinereach. I am still unsure of how I will get the funding, I am open to any suggestions at all. I know I will do this project, and I know i will have the crew and I know I will have the budget and I know I will succeed. I know it. I will do this. i ask you guys for help, any help will work. Any suggestions advice anything you can do will be amazing. I have tons of stories. The plan of execution is to make short sequences and promote them, going into the areas I can cover, form genre’s to emotions to story line. I am still working on the fine details but if anyone knows of a way that is great or better than film festivals or youtube, or how you would promote you your film (vision), please I am open to suggestions. I am positive and strong, so I’m going to continue on, I have to play this smart, because this task is a toughy, I’m going against all odds, but am I really? Logically and societal thinking says yeah, going against outstanding odds. No one has said unlikely, which is correct. What is unlikely, no one has said unrealistic, what is realistic, flying through the sky, we have airplanes, going into space, we have done that too, well as far as we know. Moving things with your mind using the force , melting weapons with your mind. Who said that is unrealistic. It could be, we don’t know that, to me it’s that mentality that keeps us behind and not forward. Every piece of technology and scientific break through and creation, were all thoughts, do you think Thomas Edison thought we’d have a telephone that could navigate us through the country, or we could have a video conference on our phones. Those were all visions, so why in the scientific community is it always realistic but in the art or sports it’s always unrealistic. I’ll tell you what when I do this, and I succeed in my dream, I will tell the world, I promise this, that nothing, in this world ,m I mean nothing is impossible, it might seem unlikely and unreasonable, but it is in no way, unlikely. Success is always achieved by people with the attitude that I just did it. I have heard and read that they just went for it. Didn’t fall hostage to negativity an doubt, they thrived off of their knowledge and they just knew, they were positive and worked hard, they had integrity. This journey isn’t impossible or unlikely. Nothing is, it might be hard, but it is in fact do able and it is in fact going to be done by me and others that want to pursue and have the drive. Excuse my rant, I just want to let people know that we can follow our dreams, we can start billion dollar companies, we can paint the greatest painting ever, we can run a 95 yard touchdown to win it, we can sing and have a crowd scream to the sound of our voice, we can invent the a flying car, we can study 8 years and help people that are sick, we can argue a case for O.J, we can sit in a ship and fly so high the blue turns to black, and stars illuminate and appears out of the blackness. We can do anything we want, Even become the Next Leader of a country, write the best book, inspire the world and change the way humans think towards one another. We have this power, it all starts as seeds growing in our minds, expanding out. I believe in this, I believe in people. I believe we have the will and power to change our lives and us no matter what situation, no matter who says what, we have that power. We can, we will. I can, and I will. I ask for you help, and I am inspired and determined, not only for my baby, but me too, and for people. I know people are ugly in worse ways than others, but we all have goodness in us ,an we all have that power to choose, it’s never hopeless, unless your brain dead or dead. I believe in our dreams and I know we can all do it. No matter money or anything, Money is a big deal but we will all find ways to earn it. Not impossible or unlikely either, we all have it in us, and we all have the resources to do it. We do indeed. I hope my ranting doesn’t piss people off haha, I don’t mean to offend, but I mean to inspire. I need help for sure haha, If anyone in anyway can help, please do. please help in every way you can, Advice, Suggestions, pointing me in the right directions all that will be more that perfect and amazing. Thank you guys very much I appreciate it more than anything. When I do this you will be apart of this. viewers , likes, followers, people helping, you all are greatly appreciated, thank you very much guys, I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Thanks

Christian.  Excuse my writing I have to get to bed haha, got to wake up at 5 and wanted to throw this out there, before bed. Good night folks 🙂

Pursuing a dream.

It’s great feeling. Anybody can open their eyes, and watch their world, fall, and rise. Focusing on it’s rise, is like watching the stars appear while the sun sets. Make that wish on the first star I saw. I always had it in me. Now applying it is an accomplishment I just reached. Doubts still try and bloom in my stomach, but my POSITIVE attitude will accomplish it all. I know this, my dream and passion will happen. Your support is important to me, all the support is much appreciated, and I’m sure there will be more and to you I truly thank you. My success starts here. I hope for all who read this can apply the method and mind set to any situation in life. It is honestly true we make it harder than it is, life is an unpainted canvas and we through on the paint. We paint our pictures, and we can always make a new canvas or re paint over the old, there is no limitation. Always a way. Everyone in this planet has a challenge we are all connected and have so much in common we all have hurt or hurt, we all have had great moments, we all think, feel, and experience. Humans have good and bad’s to them, ugliness, and beauty. I hope that my child can live in this life with sense of fearlessness. The only fearless their is. Feeling fear is apart of life and won’t ever go away, we all will always have fear and new fears. It’s the people that can overcome those fears and face them continue on through it all. That’s a fearless individual. We all know this and do it everyday. People don’t ever give them self the credit they deserve and pride on the weakness, and others pride on the delusion of power. Honesty, Faith, Honor, Loyalty, Integrity, Determination, Love. I believe these exist in all of us. This is my first steps in a new direction, I sent my old negative self on his way.

So now I focus on the dream, for me and my baby. My baby is my inspiration so I’am going to do this, so when she opens her eyes for the first time, she’ll have a father waiting there to hold and kiss her, and let her know it’s all ok daddy did it. I have little time, but that isn’t unrealistic. I can do this and have the establishment by then or be close to it’s way. Either way before the age of 24 I will have my dream in hand. I will do this, not alone though. That is the truth. Help and advice is needed, not alone. I will forever has this team in my heart and repay them in the greatest ways. I promise. This is how it all starts, I know my outcome, I just don’t know how it will happen, a true mystery. I honestly don’t ask for help I should have before, but I didn’t want to bug anyone, or make anyone upset, I still don’t but now that I have a little one on the way, I have to pull all the resources, I’m going to be honest I’m hoping that this blog will help, I hope people will read and see who I am in these writings, crappy writings but writings.  I have to do what i have to for me but my baby too. I repeat myself a lot haha. I ask the viewers for your help, advice, or connections to people who love the industry and are willing to help in various ways. Advice, guidance in the right direction anything will help. I have to pull this card, because I have to have a million options open so I can get a bite. I appreciate you guys and your appreciation for this blog. You inspire me and I really hope I inspire you and can help make your days good. Ha dang I have changed a bunch. Thank you guys I appreciate the help that you have already offered.

Thanks.

Christian Caballero.

The world and this secret.

Rhonda Byrne wrote “The Secret” it is a great book, the best you can read, but I warn you, you have to be willing to learn and accept all that it says, no matter how insane it may seem to you, but it gave me this feeling of happiness and positive attitude. You know before I broke up with my ex I was totally negative, I would trash on stuff just to be mean, and be an ass and make her and others feel bad for no reason but jealousy and ignorance and stubborn rebel for no reason. Asshole me, haha well thanks to life and it’s ultimate wisdom, I have changed, This journey is the start to something huge, I have an impact on people I meet, helping people various people, people with problems and sickness. I support them, strangers I can relate and give them the words of encouragement and now the comfort of listening and understanding their persona. People are amazing, everyone you see around you has their own deals, problems that fill them. Most are good at hiding it and being blinded by their own selves. To tell you the truth, Acceptance makes all the difference, being truthful to yourself, knowing that no matter what happens in life it will always work. You, me everyone has the power to overcome. Mental, minds are all attacking us in different ways, crying your self to sleep is way for your mind to evoke emotion and seeing that perspective differently, will change your outlook. Today I sat out side under the canopied trees sun light hitting my face, thinking of the words I read. “my good thoughts are strong and over come all my negative thoughts, my negative thoughts are weak and will always be weak”. My positive thoughts are the strongest in the universe, and my negativity is the weakest. Overcome, believe it or not the same house I’ve been in for the last month and a half feels different, the mood changes, same place. It’s my mind set obviously. Being positive and telling your self those good positive thoughts over come and everything is going to be fine and I will achieve my dreams. I will forgive all, I will love all, I will appreciate all, I will take this life of mine and make it the best and live my dream. My daughter or son haha is a part of this. It’s amazing how everything works. Most would see this as a travesty but it’s a miracle and a blessing. I am so excited for the next steps, my life isn’t ending it’s starting the new chapter. I look very forward to it. I will have my success and my childs respect. I love you little kid, don’t forget ;). 

 

Ok So onto the news the team is working in five different cities and states. I need to get more info. Any one who reads this blogs and is into the film scene or knows someone, please have them contact me, I’m pulling all my resources. I can do this, Any advice or help or anything will be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you all

Christian.

Believing and making it a reality.

Here I go taking my first steps in a direction, never walked on by me before. I have to trust in myself. For numerous reasons, I know what I have to accomplish, And it will be a accomplishment. I have to succeed not just for my child but me as well. I want my child to be proud of their father in such an amazing way. This is going to happen. I have the drive to do this, I working up my positive attitude, it haltered a lot when I found out the news of my angel she is the size of a lime, and I already am in love with this child. I have to fight for us. I can do this I can feel it. I have tears in my eyes when I think of the greatness I’m going to do an the moment I succeed, I’m going to thank god for everything, and just take that moment to hold my heart. its going to be quite a journey, redefining my self and following and accomplishing my dream is right around the corner. I have the best support, from friends and family and this is all for them aswell. I promise you guys I can and will do this. Thank you for your faith in me and your support, because in my reward I will reward you with all I can. You re extremely appreciated. This won’t have a lot of reads for some time. But this will be where my success started. I am proud of myself for taking this challenge if I didin’t pursue then I would always regret. I will succeed I will, I will. I know I can and I will. I have so many resources and amazing people willing to help, thank you guys and welcome to the crew, together I know we can make this come to reality, and we will. I love my child on its way. This is for you too baby. (love from your Dad).

Need to assemble this team have 2 members. So gotta make some calls and get the rest. He we go, it starts today, July 5th 2012, the start of something amazing.

 

Christian Caballero July 5th, 2012

 

I promise I will

Miracle.

Image  July 3rd. I swear it’s a crazy hard reality. Watching the sun go down and come up has been an ever out standing vision to me, Pink Clouds and suns rays peering through the sky. I guess I never appreciated those moments, just like not appreciating the moments of heart break, or loss, an for me even happiness. 1 1/2 months ago, I would have lied and said my shit does not stink. But in fact that is horse shit, I am no different from any one except I do have something inside me that over comes all leaps and bounds, something magical I neglected. Success in what ever I put my mind too. Rugby, fitness, Love at first and you know at the age of 18 I realized that I have a moment and will pursue it. I can I have and I will. That’s all I think. This is my own self realization a moment in my life where I created a revelation. Something so simple and articulate a known remedy for the soul, yet it’s one of the hardest challenges to hit. It’s simple change. Not just change but a whole system of acceptance of yourself, I know before tackling the worlds issues, you must tackle your own to succeed. It’s known it’s common sense it’s a piece of knowledge that just pops it’s way in your head, but when we find it, and hear it, it makes sense, And living it is the true succession. I for once in my entire life have now experienced this and is now living it. I practice what I preach I can actually give solid advice because I do it. Today I make a promise, keeping them from now on. It’s been an wild, I promise that I will succeed in my dream. I can, I can, and fucking A I will. To tell you the truth about this accelerated drive I just got, well Today, July 3rd 2012 11:53 am I get a call. The ringer ID pops my ex’s name, I panic. I ask myself “Why is she calling me, damn I hope every one is ok”. So I call back at 11:55 am, and find out news that will an has changed my life forever in an amazing way. She says how are you

I say Ok, Is everything alright

She says ” we are having a baby”

I say ” what”? Typical male response , In all honesty it was a shock but I felt happy, its intense.

She said ” yeah for real”

Me” are you sure its mine I mean”

She cuts me off ” Chris Im 3 months”

Well you know if I don’t know whats the deal I had doubts but you know I don’t want any more doubts I want happiness and a life full of greatness for all. Corny yeah, it is but whatever. I love life it has some shitty moments, it has some what the fuck moments, the Wow, and it has all the other shit I haven’t experienced. No matter what I told her something and I’m going to stick to it. That woman deserves massive amounts of credit, She is going through a difficult time in many ways than 10 but it is a relief to see she is overcoming, well done. I found my self actually taking her feelings into consideration, because I am a selfish person at times, well I can now say use to be. I would make the actions always about me. It was an attention problem I was like a prissy princess, it should be hard to accept that but it is and was, and it was a habit, a habit acquired over the years, it wasn’t me, in fact I lied and changed who I was so many times i lost my self years ago, I came out in spurts but at the time I hated my self all of it. So I accept it and for real I’m such a cool fucking dude. This is me, caring ,loving, respectful, Honorable, Honest,Finally honest, Loyal finally loyal, Faithful, Hopeful and passionate, strong, will and determination. I want the Hopes that my Daughter will grow up and can say after recognizing her parents imperfections as we all do, and look at me or a picture and say damn my dad is so cool, he’s the best man I ever knew, And damn I have that Honor, I have been blessed with that honor to help raise a person to live beautifully in this world. I’m hoping for a girl so bad. I am honored and baby girl if you ever read this or my baby boy, just in case I’m off ha, Either I love you already, and will till the day I die. Promise big promise that I will always keep. It’s amazing I didn’t think I’d be saying this, I am so blessed. It’s an Honor and a Privilege to be in my shoes despite the fact that the Mother and I have no certain future together, and that is fine, I really honestly am Happy with that, if it is than it will, if not then there will be someone out there. Fate decides that one. I decide on taking my life in my hands and moving to the next objective, and support my Child. I am very lucky and blessed to have an amazing strong person the mother I speak of, include me in this baby’s life, I know you would, but you didn’t have too, but yeah it was right and thank you for that. I take that oath and responsibility. It will be hard, I have no idea whats in store for parent hood but I can do it and will figure it out, and thank the lord the Mom is a teacher, so I can have further assistance.This is crazy, but it is as hard as I make it, and right now, I’m excited and proud to become a father. I mean these words with all my heart, Yeah I dressed them up a bit, but I mean it. Reality is gritty and ruthless, but it’s sweet side overcomes it all with the right attitude. 

Thank you God and everyone for reading I appreciate the comments. haha

Miracle in motion

ImageDO we ever consider our fate and our rough moments. There a crazy thing, watching the world open from a new view is something that just eliminates all fear of doubt.. We all deserve to win, Be hopeful in all successes and in all motions. We have the undying power to set an lay our path for the future. An that’s an amazing power we possess, can we all change? Yes, can we all determine our outcomes.. Yes. This is no secret just a challenge of making a decision. Don’t worry any more life has purpose. Coming from the guy who has tried to stop his a time before, sat in the dark and just gave up. Did not let it overcome, and I have won.. now. Time to accelerate my self for the that open sky(my Dream) I’m gunning for it fast and need my momentum to keep up. I just smile and continue forward. No back tracking With or with out . I don’t stop unless the sacrifice is necessary, I did it once and it was worth it for sure. No regrets. I have a chance and a guide beyond any. Surrounded by the many who watch over me, with great care. So what is there to feel bad about, no reasons. I have all the things I need. And I hold onto to them with great appreciation. And I’m forever grateful to that. I neglect to easy and over look to easy. Let us take one moment to really admire and respect the people and loved ones we have, forget material. Just open up and really it it home, and really discover what we have and what we do with what we have. Denial and running ain’t an answer. Its an excuse. I talk about this but I am trying this and I realize all. Figure your self out and keep it solid. May not make sense but it’s crazy how 15 minutes of listening to a song really brings out a person you never knew.

Quick discovery

Dang, It’s insane, How these moments of weakness can plow through you like a wrecking ball! Anger just fills in your blood stream, dreams disappear, the feel is gone, and real becomes a blur. Watching my whole existence decay, like a bad nightmare.. Night terrors waking you, keeping you exhausted, Ha and I said these things are a beauty.. They are, its my own mind.. Thats the problem here, having a creative mind, with limitless power in fabrication, blurs your reality. Creating worlds and creating their indigenous populations is a very crazy scary task, that my mind just does. Creativity is a gift but a weary one, finding a balance is not an easy task. I really have lost my way, an this goes beyond the woman I was going to marry.  It happened when I lost weight, I destroyed myself to become what! fact is no one, I mean no has ever seen me for me since 2008 an before jeez now tat I think about it that was coming back to Tucson from Florida.. ahh the infamous hell hole haha.. It’s a great place just let it defeat me thinking back I have altered my persona many times to do what.. Fit in? no just look stupid, an have my close friends an family see through it like a compilation of lies.. Lies. It’s true I was a habitual liar. to stray away from embarrassment. I said and lied for pure stupidity  and created a false image of my self, of course the guilt tha came after that which told me not right, gut feeling hitting me like my friend, don’t lie. That guilt fused with my self pitty and bull shit created a mask. I can’t seem to see on the other side. Blocked my self from reality and from my destiny, Trapped in a cell looking around for an escape but not chiseling away at the walls. I k now what the problem is.. But how the fuck do i fix it? That’s my question, its like ok snap out.. then nothing.. ok now… nothing again. Hmm ok let’s just give up and over compensate to hide the disaster that haunts and destroys me, truth be told I’m a beast, I have one in me that is so deep it brings tears to my eyes thinking of it, this monstrous rage so upset because I have put all my resentment and bull shit in there, stored it nice and tight. and yet it’s a ball of shit. It doesn’t define me, But it bugs me. I want to clear my head, just calm it an find out the issue, because in fact I feel like I’m going to have a nervous break down at times , Yikes is fucking right. Writing this makes me feel better, there are always going to be challenges tougher and worse but doing this will helps. It’s purifying my head breaking down all walls and barriers and rebuild. Need master Yoda for that shit. Ok  so here’s my me at this moment, Tired, sad, not so angry thank god I have a great handle on that, still lying but not to stray from embarrassment but so people will shut up an leave me the fuck alone while I figure out my own shit. Damn that is mean but I’m not saying out loud here is perfect it relieves the pressure and helps me tame the wild raging bull inside. That bull actually have gotten smaller alot smaller, my basic negative emotions are now mostly just being annoyed. I really don’t feel like ahhhhh pissed off anymore. I feel more relaxed and calm but one issue, I still don’t know who the fuck I am, Really like I say awkward shit I can’t figure out how to throw a joke out there yet I was great at it, I’m overly shy and scared of failure beyond  belief and can’t relax there is a giant stick lodged directly up my ass, just sitting there, poking out driving me nuts, except the damn thing is like the sword in the stone all up in my asshole,. So I try to pull this shit stick out and nothing. It won’t budge so My next set of goals is to stop being so shy, especially with people I like, If I don’t like you I’ll smile and think whooaa your crazy! but whoa the hell am I to talk. I’m a good guy I’m actually a softie not too bitter I’m 22 and act like I’m hitting my mid life crisis. I like kids I like animals, I like alot of girly songs, I like romantic movies, the concept of love and watching them run together in the rain is awesome, not the likely of scenarios but what the fuck why not. You know I’m going to do that for the next woman, cause honestly life is so damn short and one of them just one as far as we know. So why risk it. I’m going to start taking more risks and fucking live it. Go skydiving get a tattoo (maybe). I’m going to make fucking movies. and I’m going to conquer my mind, because I know I’m jack enlarged prostate, but I’m fucking jack too, Mr. Chris’s version of Durden you have had your time parading and eating me alive. I don’t see Brad Pitt walking aorund kicking people’s asses, But I do have a saboteur in side and that bastard is me, but I can’t really stop it, it makes me think of shit I don’t want too and other weird crap.  But it’s all me cause it’s in me. My brain  is me, it controls my fingers typing and all the other great shit, what i say when I scratch my ass, I mean it’s the power, and it’s me. My body is like a vessel, the engine is the brain, the real power behind the muscles and facial features. So when it doesn’t cooperate it deals a giant mess. So for real this sounds crazy and bizarre but it’s a real issue I’m facing, I’m actually a cool dude, and pretty much sane well as sane as what people consider it. I love life, I love being honest, and I’m pretty much 98% almost 100% and I have honor and integrity and devotion. I am a good man and after compromising and accomplishing my next challenge I will be happy, and better for it. I got this, it’s just a pian in the ass, I’m talking bout that fucking stick, which is slowly making it’s way out, sounds wrong, but whatever. Have a good day folks, and wish me luck. I have to do this so I can continue for the bigger picture. Next hardest challenge ever.