It’s these moments that prove the impossible wrong

You know it’s been a while. So far everything is great looks like Columbia pictures has an interest in my project :D. More importantly this post will be about me and m current journey. So I am back in tucson in an apartment with the woman I love more than anything. Today though was a tough moment, I had a terrible experience. I will not put what but I will let you know it was the past coming back to bite my ass… hard. It’s all good now, but it made me question who I am. What I’ve accomplished, and my future. It is still lingering around my gut and chest. It will go away. I am proud to say that I am honored to be the person that I am. I am finally what I’ve always wanted to be, through all the mistakes I’ve made and the successes I’ve achieved. I still take things for granted, and I can’t anymore. I have become honest and honorable, and I have a butt load of integrity. I still wish everyone the best every those I want to hate and smash open their face, but I have to remember who I am and that I am proud of who I am. I believe in people and I know that they will prove my negativity wrong. To prove my negativity wrong is very easy because I am very negative not as much but it still hangs around. The problem is it is harmful to me and my family. The best thing in the world is that I can take these terrible experiences and turn them into the best moment, and have the best moments continue to flow on into my life. Trust me right now I should be pissed and crying breaking down. I did that for about an hour now haha better than spending days weeks months and years. I believe in us and in her. I just talked to her right now, and she did it again, she proved that negativity wrong.. She proved that positive greatness right. Now it’s time for me too. Wish me look everyone, this is not hard, I am making this worse than it has to be. I am proud to know that I stood taller and stronger than the person sh decided wasn’t right for her. I have to look at it like that. I am so proud to be her man, we were broken up when she dated another man, and my insecure side down plays me. The important side of me that doesn’t want to say this, says I won, she choose me when she didn’t have too. No one is me and I am no one we are all unique and amazing in our own ways, whether we show it or not. I have to say I went through the same experience no body was her. We are meant to be, whether we were 20 ffet apart or over 1000 miles we still came back to eachother, through our daughter. Love you Ali, you got dad’s head straight out of his ass, and I am sorry I doubted. My daughter is a miracle. I know this because the thought of her and her mother give me a smile in even the worse of times. These are my woman and I will never give up on them or myself again. So success in hitting me from every which way. All the best things in out there are headed my way. Thank you all for this opportunity and Thank you for following along.

Thanks Christian

For Ali (Al-Lee)


Something we should acknowledge

My positivite attitude helps me redefine

You know I changed the theme, My heart is still patching up, But I can’t just let it drive me. That woman on the header image, what do you think she is feeling? Certainly some kind of moment she is having where she can open her arms and smile at the sky. Not many people have those moment where we can just look out our windows or stand outside and just smile, just knowing that there is some kind of calm and wondrous feeling  that over takes us is amazing. In these last two weeks just from my writing, you can tell I have a change of attitude, I speak from my heart, on this, I’m one guy just writing, letting go of everything that binds me to bend the truth, I can’t anymore. I see a person that I want to be, that is myself, and I go and grab it. You can fake who you are, easy to do, have done it many times, but after the front, you ever get that feeling of disgust, like wow I’m really fucking fake. I hate that feeling I think people who realize it do too. Nothing is short of impossible, it really isn’t anyone can do anything they want, mind, ethic, and heart. The pale blue dot, there is something majestic about that video, I don’t know if it’s the moguai track or Carl Sagans speech, the clips, or is it the point it makes. To me it makes perfect sense.  This world is all we have, he said “this is were we make our stand”. That is very true, So let’s make the best of it we can. Can’t live in regret, no way to live. Follow your gut, because it’s usually right. I’ve learned that, and the other is not to give up. Don’t ever. So I say let’s live strong and happy, and make this life the best we can.

Excuse my weakness

I looked back at my other posts and realized dude.. It’s fine.. it’s is going to work out, so stop.. and relax.. Chill.. and be calm… Graceful girl there really is an entity here it feels like your hugs.. I can’t explain it, I think that piece of you you felt you lost is still here still around.. Now I’m talking more spiritual, i’m not a nut I really am not, I can act like a child and do shit for attention 😉 and not realize my faults but but i’m not crazy.. I feel you.. I can feel your heart and mood, it’s weird totally fuckin bushwhacked.. but i can feel your soul, girl. It’s silly but my faith is relying on a magic 8 ball app on my droid.. haha technology huh, every time I see the answer i don’t want I keep shaking it lol.. Fuckin thing pisses me off sometimes. One thing i know for certain is she needs space total outward space.. she needs time, to heal and to win her personal hide an go seek she has going on within. It’s ok she’ll get it.. she’ll get a lot of things she wants.. I want to be the man for her of course, I want her to stand up tall and strong always, she thinks I think she is weak.. she is not, I know she ain’t hip on confrontation, and who is, she does sometimes hide, but not always. graceful girl don’t take anymore shit babe, don’t.. you are tough as nails.. to break off a 3 year love is tough.. for you to finally see whats needs to happen and go for it wasn’t easy, you did the right thing, if you followed your heart you did the right thing. But don’t follow influence, follow your soul.. always follow yourself and no one else. If I were to die today I would be totally sad and distraught, I haven’t completed myself yet.. Only time will tell where life is headed for me.. This 3 year time was like my life, she was my life, I did it all for her sacrificed soo much, and so did she, and I don’t regret it at all, I try not to know I honestly feel any regrets just heart ache. I only regret what I should have changed but no longer can.. I can only change the behavior that set me up here. I never told her thank you in person, I have to remember to do that. Just a thank you for everything you have done for me, Thank you for your beauty, thank you for sharing your dearest treasured memories.. I was always in denial with her, huge steamy dumb blinding denial. I was. there were times I felt that I hated her, that how could I love this girl.. i used to feel she never fought for me.. So I fought for her about it.. She wasn’t much communicator either, she rather hide her feelings than share them, I feel like she has done that her whole life.. I feel like her whole life she has lived somewhat unhappy at times.. she said she always felt Guilt, pressure, depression, insecure at times, and stress, which all equals a big stress bomb.. if i would have known then I totally would have been more supportive, I would have listened and gave her more time than she ever needed. She can always trust me.. she can.. with anything she needs to trust me with.. you know I have never cheated.. 3 years no cheating, not going to lie i have had women do some pretty crazy things to try an acquire me, mostly in my college classes, i’m not trying to be arrogant, I apologize if i sound it but I’m not. at work, school, in public, girls would say and try some pretty irresistible stuff (for most men). All I had to do was see my ring and I saw her.. It was like a super ring, she used to kiss it to give me kisses for the day so i could kiss it.. haha she was thoughtful and freakin funny cute, I still have a bunch left over and yes I still kiss it. (leave me alone damnitt) No matter how attractive the women were they were still no match compared to her. You see that’s why this situation is hard and complicated, I had a love that broke through all bounds, we made it through soo much honestly we should have broken up many times before. But we didn’t we worked it out and stuck close.. we still managed to have happy days, fun days. I wanted to take her to go caving before we split.. I wanted her to have fun,I wanted to go skydiving with her, and travel with her, travel like road trips and maybe Puerto Rico, and Hawaii definitely wanted to see where she grew up, Olympia, Fields ,IL. the place where all stars come from ;).. You know writing this and hoping us to get back together sucks.. the feeling is hard, One day I read her face book messages on her ITouch I never told her because I was afraid she’d leave me… idiot.. I shouldn’t have looked just trusted, but i did. I saw a message from her first love stating that he messed up in high school and wanted another chance.. I was infuriated totally pissed off, I wanted to confront her and say what the fuck.. but honestly what would that have accomplished.. I shut up up held a grudge like always and went on treating her badly.. She knew how jealous I was so how could she talk to me. I blame… blame and blame my self for this.. I know I shouldn’t but I do, cause, If I just relaxed I would have been fine, right now I’d be sitting with her, watching T.V or working out at the gym or taking her to work or going to breakfast.. maybe on a giant hike, or go shopping with her and help her pick out clothes.. I hated shopping, my mother is too blame for that shit.. But watching her shop and all women is interesting.. it’s like clothes on a rack and they know automatically what to do, the sounds of hangers sliding on metal, their intense fierce looks, bumping into other women for that last size of the jeans.. haha. the graceful girl asks a million questions when shopping an was very indecisive.. it used to annoy me, but it was actually cool, that’s what made her perfect.. just standing there like all women looking through the same pile 100 times. I should have enjoyed that more. I enjoy the memories, her in the dressing room haha funny stuff, one time  it was like a huge sale going on.. her mother, her sisters all went shopping at Khols, yes I was there, separation anxiety boy.. They would all just lerk around together like they’re going through a maze, these determined women, then after they gathered all their clothes they’d pile into the dressing  room, gossip, laugh loud! talk, goof around, ask a million times do I look fat or ugly, try on something else and I heard ughhh, burggg, ewww.. “oh that seems nice”. haha it was hilarious they are all good people. the older sister doesn’t really mix well anymore with me. that’s ok she still is a good person, she’s the funniest of them all when shopping lol, she was the most concerned and determined one of all, she is a beautiful person. The younger sister, yikes she made it hell for me when The graceful girl and I first dated, but she ended being one of the coolest people I have ever met, very strong willed, freakin hilarious, very kind hearted, you’d never think so at first cause she is a fire cat. she’ll tear you up.. but she is a sweet person.. has the world pretty much figured out, no one should every worry about the little one, she is strong, and really smart. The mother, she is scary sometimes , not as much as the little sister, but she can be fury’s way. That woman is cool, she actually had a comforting feeling about her, a feeling i neglected, I was just angry at the issues she had with me and my mom, and the graceful girls and I relationship but she was strong devoted woman, loved her family more than anyone could ever love. She is very inspirational, 5 children one of which she lost after birth.. She has been threw hell, she watches children day in day out, her grand children, takes care of them, you see the love, and that’s the love the 4 kids got.. it was cool to see.. I neglected soo much. The dad was a true definition of tough. the man know’s so much, and accepts a lot when he shouldn’t have to. He made me laugh the hardest laughs.. he is a good man, someone I’ll always keep in mind when i need to get threw tough times another father figure to me. The little angel they called my niece, That little girl I’ll always miss, she was just a little angel, funniest kid you’ll ever meet. I should have said good bye to her. The brother, is a mysterious fella, he is a cool guy, lives in a barrel of constant stress, no good for his health but he pulls through, he is a good guy, I see  him like a brother. It’s crazy that I didn’t appreciate the Graceful beauty, but I also didn’t appreciate the wonderful family that was infact  family.. they were my family. I wrecked it, they are tough to get along with at times but they are some extraordinary people, I had fun almost every time I went there, but I didn’t ever admit it. Damn fool… I thought they were messed up and crazy and weird. but they are not, they are a strong loving family. way different to mine, mine are crazy too. Not perfect at all, my family is actually boring and seriously annoying a lot! I learned a lot from her family that I neglected. I realize yet another thing, i really loved her family, i really do. I used to say that but I was lying i let anger and jealousy blind me from it, I was jealous of them, the love they had for each other. The love the graceful girl had for them and they had for her… I didn’t appreciate that.. they involved me in everything, they let me live there, let me eat there, let me experience Christmas there.. They did perfect yet another idiotic neglect I had. jealousy, Controlling, bad temper and spoiled are a terrible combination. That is all inside of me, I’m conflicted as well I’m trying to fight it all at once.. I forgot to mention laziness..  If I get this all figured out I honestly don’t want it to be given to another girl.. I want the best of me, given to her and her family. I wasn’t always lazy, i wasn’t always angry, I was always  jealous and controlling but they both got worse.  You know I said “if” I get this all figured out haha nope, “when” I get this all figured out.. I will get it done. I know it. Graceful girl don’t lose it ,the water’s high and don’t be jumping into it… don’t become undone yet..