breaking out of gray

Things are working out fast and easy life is good and too easy working on multiple avenues with multiple companies one which Columbia and another Microsoft studios for two separate projects. These workings are only opportunities at this time nothing written in stone and still working out the details but the fact that I have gotten so far in such a short time is amazing to me. I want to say thank you to you all and want to let you know that I’m a eye lash shy of proving to you all, that believing in your self and pursuing you dreams with a 100% positive mind set will get you to where you want to be. I am almost there. I am also going to tell you the road ahead can sometimes be bumpy, you determine how bad. That is a challenging task for most, but it is doable, so go do it! I will too. I wish you the best and please wish me the best as well, I have some moments of gray lately dealing with new moments and new situations that are only here to better myself and my family. I believe in that and I also know that Sarah and I are suppose to be and we are proving that positivity right. she is the woman I have always wanted and needed. I am the man she needs and wants too and I am becoming that more and more. There are little bumps here and there, but we are doing something we never did before, dealing with the pain, instead of running from it or just ignoring it. This time we have each other and we are already so different from may 19th haha. It’s unbelievable no screaming no punching walls, no calling each other mean names no outbursts of cruelty. There are still some issues with sensitivity (me), irritability (me and way more her :P), Guilt trips (her and me), and some trust issues (me and slightly her) due to use dating other people while apart. IT’s mostly silliness but the most important things, love, honor, respect, honesty, Happiness (majority of the time, some moments of gray), support! support! and Support! we make each other happier than anyone will ever make us and working on making it all the time and we love each other more than anyone will ever love us. So things are great, too great my daughter is 31 weeks and is looking to pop out in January, bu she will be here the 24th or the 25th maybe the 26th or 27th of December! My b-day is the 26th of December so I have a feeling, just how I know she was a little princess!

 

I wish you all the best and thank you for all the support!

Thank you. Christian

For Sarah and Ali

 

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It’s these moments that prove the impossible wrong

You know it’s been a while. So far everything is great looks like Columbia pictures has an interest in my project :D. More importantly this post will be about me and m current journey. So I am back in tucson in an apartment with the woman I love more than anything. Today though was a tough moment, I had a terrible experience. I will not put what but I will let you know it was the past coming back to bite my ass… hard. It’s all good now, but it made me question who I am. What I’ve accomplished, and my future. It is still lingering around my gut and chest. It will go away. I am proud to say that I am honored to be the person that I am. I am finally what I’ve always wanted to be, through all the mistakes I’ve made and the successes I’ve achieved. I still take things for granted, and I can’t anymore. I have become honest and honorable, and I have a butt load of integrity. I still wish everyone the best every those I want to hate and smash open their face, but I have to remember who I am and that I am proud of who I am. I believe in people and I know that they will prove my negativity wrong. To prove my negativity wrong is very easy because I am very negative not as much but it still hangs around. The problem is it is harmful to me and my family. The best thing in the world is that I can take these terrible experiences and turn them into the best moment, and have the best moments continue to flow on into my life. Trust me right now I should be pissed and crying breaking down. I did that for about an hour now haha better than spending days weeks months and years. I believe in us and in her. I just talked to her right now, and she did it again, she proved that negativity wrong.. She proved that positive greatness right. Now it’s time for me too. Wish me look everyone, this is not hard, I am making this worse than it has to be. I am proud to know that I stood taller and stronger than the person sh decided wasn’t right for her. I have to look at it like that. I am so proud to be her man, we were broken up when she dated another man, and my insecure side down plays me. The important side of me that doesn’t want to say this, says I won, she choose me when she didn’t have too. No one is me and I am no one we are all unique and amazing in our own ways, whether we show it or not. I have to say I went through the same experience no body was her. We are meant to be, whether we were 20 ffet apart or over 1000 miles we still came back to eachother, through our daughter. Love you Ali, you got dad’s head straight out of his ass, and I am sorry I doubted. My daughter is a miracle. I know this because the thought of her and her mother give me a smile in even the worse of times. These are my woman and I will never give up on them or myself again. So success in hitting me from every which way. All the best things in out there are headed my way. Thank you all for this opportunity and Thank you for following along.

Thanks Christian

For Ali (Al-Lee)

Rise above

You know it’s been an adventure since may 21st til now. I am happy to say that I have risen above the disasters. I have taken the responsibility. I controlled every outcome of those situation and always went down the road that made it worse. It is so nice to breath with out knots tearing my chest apart, and finally saying goodbye to that ugliness. I move forward finally realizing that I deserve the credit I always took away from myself. I am happy to be me, I love myself a ton. It is awesome I am overfilled with joy and extreme gratitude. Believing in myself always. That attitude change and my quest to redefine myself paid off. I am the luckiest man in the universe, because I have the greatest woman in it, that loves me more than anything and will always support, care trust and believe in me as well, always remains faithful and respectful of herself , I and our family. Truth be told I took her and our lives for granted. Instead of thanking god everyday for her, I just flew on by. Never again, Never ever again. It will and always will be different, because we make each other happier than anyone will ever make us. For that I am just thankful as thankful can be! Thank you for this chance and opportunity, to show her I am the man for her, and she is the woman for me. Thank you thank you thank you!

Okay so an update it’s time to start. My Video presentation will hit Indiegogo and Kickstarter very soon, I need your guys help to make it happen, and spread the word. I will update the blog with the links to the pages. I am going through different avenues, still haven’t heard back from Luc Besson, I will soon though I know it. Okay so the project starts now. The list of people and resources I wish to obtain and will obtain:

1. Ember labs and Mike Grier.

2. Autofuss production company

3. Jon Proudstar

4. James Cameron evaluation (I will get it)

5. Kalen Chock (Concept Art)

6. Michael McCann Composer

7. News stations and radio stations, social media, this blog and youtube promoters to promote the project and the links to Kickstarter and IndieGogo

8. A famous actor… Maybe Sam Worthington.. Worth a shot huh

9. the funding to make it possible, Almost there, I will meet my goal, and bring together more communities to make it happen.

10.  Luc Besson ( Iwill get him too)

I can do this, and I will. Of course not alone, I am going to need support, I would like to ask you if you can help in anyway, just to spread to help spread the word about redefiningmyenity and the Kickstart, Inidgogo journey!. Thank you very much for reading my posts I grammar filled errors But none the less I appreciate it and you.

I am ready to make a movie, and perhaps change the world in some positive way. My real goal with this is too , create a revolution of our own. Thank you.

About me:

1. I feel bad when I kills insects, I know ridiculous

2. I am a big softie

3. I can be mean

4. I am a fearful person

5. I am a fearless person

6. I try to love everyone and everything, I am actually very good at this.

7. I am learning a very important skill, patience

8. I face my fears and problems for the first time

9. I love being honest and having honor

10. I believe we can achieve anything.

11. I believe in everyone

12. I still respect dogs and animals as our equals

13. I eat meat and vegetables too

14. I have never smoked pot, no joke. But I have pissed myself drunk

15. I tell people I don’t cry at movies, honestly that would be untrue I cried to P.S I love you(don’t ask) and 300 “My Queen, My wife, My Love”. King Leonidas, gets me every time.

16. Movies I watched over and over as a little kid, Terminator 2: judgment day(for real), Seven Samurai, Dustin checks in, Indiana Jones! Star Wars (Big Fan, not of Hayden though)(or Jarjar), BackDraft(with my older bro), Ofcourse beauty and the beast, little mermaid, Aladdin! Lion King, True Lies, Total Recall, Die Hard (1,2,3), Jaws(~~^~~ dun dun), and a lot more.

17. I sometimes bust out with random weird humor, I actually cuss quite a bit, trying to cut it down.

19. I laugh at things people think are dumb.  laughing so hard you cry is the best. Three men that have ever made me cry laughing, My two uncles and my best friends grandpa.

20. I can be a pain in the ass

21. I have a crazy sense of willpower.

22. I am in love with the most beautiful woman in the universe.

23. I value love, over money, hope over overwhelming odds, first thoughts are always to  never limit myself.

24. I am in love with my beautiful sweet gorgeous unborn baby daughter, Aliyah Rose Caballero.

25. I want to help change the world.

My little video when I was 16: Anyone like the Predator:

http://s132.photobucket.com/albums/q16/sarge122/?action=view&current=predatorclip_0003.mp4&evt=user_media_share

My toys, I loved Metal Gear solid so at 14 I made my own video with them and edited both these myself.

http://s132.photobucket.com/albums/q16/sarge122/?action=view&current=mgs_0002.mp4&evt=user_media_share

I actually started my little videos at 12 with Steven Spielberg’s Lego movie studio set! Dang did I love that Lego set I made probably like a hundred videos, everyday before and after school weekends you name it.

At 14 I began teaching myself to use Adobe After Effects, my first skill learned was the Light saber:

Then muzzle flashes:

And explosions:

Haha I did these all around 14 to 15. Then at 15 I started doing green screen:

beautiful

Then after that I went nuts! At 18 I began getting into even crazier things:

I wanted to do this movie called VIR, will one day. It’s a superhero flick

I wanted to do my own adaptation of  Red Dawn (there already doing one, dang!)

At 17 I began getting into 3d animation and Cgi. I began working the the incredible program, E-on’s Vue Xstream! I made some wild pictures and islands and environments, sadly the computer I did it on crashed hard core and I was almost in tears when I lost it all. I began doing a lot of motion tracking, and 3d set extensions and just really fun stuff. I did this because finding some one as passionate as I was for film was hard, so I taught myself a one man show. Unfortunately that’s why I never got to do my own short film, the best was the Predator one haha. I was a determined 16 year old, my mom did the camera work on a older nikon digital camera. It worked fine! My work now is different and a little more complex. Now I work more with the camera and create new styles to adapt into film:

There was this photo contest online by Ron Howard and Canon these were the pics I submitted. I remember that day I wanted to take pictures that were of things you don’t see everyday, my sister and mom told me to go with them out into town. I said nah, i have to think about what I am going to do for pictures. Sure enough they get me to go. Something felt right about going as we started driving. I took my camera out of  its bag, and waited. I was curious to what i was going to see. My sister said I’m glad you came, your going to get your pictures. Sure enough no joke two minutes later, these abandoned hotels by the river were blazing on fire. And the fire department was working to put it out. I told my sis pull over!! I hopped out of the car and began snapping shots. No one was hurt, they were abandoned, but it was amazing to see, the heroic sight. Something you don’t see everyday:

I got the pictures I wanted, Thank the lord no one was hurt I would have felt awful. Still a Historic location was destroyed. It was really crazy to see.

The loves of my life:

My car, Max

My sweet baby girl,  Phoenix. 1 year and 2 months old and over 110 pounds

My Daughter Ali (Al-Lee)

And  of course the graceful girl, but I should ask her permission first before throwing a picture up, haha even though we are back together.

I didn’t know if I mentioned how grateful I am for her. I honestly would take up 36 posts just to write the way she makes me feel, best word for is just… wow. When they say she takes  your breath away, she really does :D . I am luckiest man in the universe. My love to Aliyah and Sarah. forever an ever ;)

By the way My Name is Christian Caballero, if I haven’t introduced myself formally or officially

This is me.

So I have to thank you all, I am very grateful for your follows and likes, and for putting up with my terrible grammar. I am learning as I go on :P

If you’d like an extra friend on face book :D

http://www.facebook.com/chris.cabbnomad

Thank you all, I wish for the best things in life to you. Christian

For Ali (Al-lee) & her beautiful mother love you both.

To paint a Dream

Hello, it’s been awhile. Don’t worry I never stopped, I have had life changing breakthroughs. I have achieved most of the beauty I wished to obtain. Love, Career, Happiness, Success, and of course wealth, we all want money. Does money determine our happiness? Nope. Is it nice to have? Yes. I have a an announcement…. I have gotten pretty much everything I every wanted except for two things on that list. They are the next step, but what I wanted. I got my world. I got to tell you I still remain naive to the successes I grasp, at first glance. I wanted to tell you, not everyone is perfect, that is already known and not what I wanted to tell you, what I wanted to say, we all have the power to change or become what we wish to be. I got her back, the woman I devoted my love too. For those that have read my very first posts, you know that graceful girl I talked about, is the very woman I am extremely grateful for. When I say I got her back I mean just that. That woman still has this way to make me feel like a champion. You already know I will never resort to that old entity that still fades into dust. One last thing I have to do, before I make us official by asking her once again, the words that brought us together for 3 years, this time our undying love, and happiness wont be overshadowed by regret, anger, and a huge rusted cell of negation. So I ask will you go out with me… again? I know her answer, and that’s why I smile, it is 3:35 in the morning and I am so dang tired, maybe not a good time to write about the moment that brings enthusiasm and effortless motivation. I want to share this with you, because the very thing I wanted I have, I have her love, her appreciation, her respect and her honor and strength. I am honored to have this moment and privilege to make these girls (my daughter too) the two happiest women (and baby) in the Universe. They deserve the best and lucky for me I can give them the best and more, and I will. So I encourage you, take that leap of faith in what ever it is you wish to succeed in. If you have succeeded already then I encourage you to throw out a helping hand, to those who wish to achieve what you have, in way, whether it be art, child birth, building a car or counting millions of dollars in your mansion. We can all help one another, that is hard for some folks, it was for me. I forgot that was my passion, to illuminate happiness and inspire individuals. I have done this already, and it is a great time, and gives me the courage and fuel to continue. This fulfills my persona and creates a moment I consider prestidigitation and breath taking. So In this I tell you all I love the graceful girl and all the astonishment and magic that radiates from her, she is so happy and beautiful, smiles and is so funny and extremely intelligent. She is my inspiration, no joke sounds cheesy I know, but she is a woman to admire she is strong, smart, caring, ferocious(when need be) and honorable. She could take on the world, the ideology and will power that has been long forgotten. Like all great powers we all have our weaknesses, hers happen to be  reality, the very one that strikes us all and can keep us down instead of up… That’s where I grasp her hand and guide the beautiful heroine to the world where success and happiness flourish, and possibilities with our dreams are as real as a mortgage bill …  I promise I will take you there, and promise never to leave you behind again. ;). So I continue and push on, the wondrous project X and it’s revolutionary contents strive forward. A company to be started has acquired a more appropriate name, my fearless and noble Eye Watch has been taken, by 100’s of companies. So I have created another, one that shines brighter and has more meaning than my previous. A huge community has come together for me, and grows bigger and bigger, these wonderful individuals wish to paint the same dream as I. Together we will. Keep an eye out for the next posts for the links to indiegogo and kickstarter 😀 I had to postpone the video and attack another avenue, I still have one more to check off the list before hitting up the awesome websites.  I have to tell you guys I am crazy exhausted but I am so grateful for you all, I hope something written here sparks some positive reaction inside you and brings you all the greatness this life has to offer.

Thank you. Christian

For Ali (Al-Lee) & her beautiful mother

Here and Welcome

I’m here folks my second week here. a little scary, but none the less exciting. I have been working my ass off at the gym and have done some new things, I’m feeling great most days. Don’t get me wrong I still have my doubts and my days where I feel like junk. I still have trouble sleeping, mostly because I can’t stop dreaming of her and our past.. But I get over it quick. I want that girl to be happy no matter what. She deserves it, to finally be at peace and love life, I pray for it for her. I want her to have the world. Now I focus on taking care of myself, it’s a great feeling to be this lone nomad in this crazy world. I love this life, heart break and all you have to appreciate it always.. my support system is one of the best, friends from all over taking the time to give me strength and courage. I will not let myself down, and them. I feel awesome guys, its really great,Portland is an amazing city, people here drive a little funky. but so much to do it’s insane! I’m heading in the right foot steps for my dream, I think I might even start playing rugby again lol you guys have done wonders for me just by viewing. I’m starting to get myself back, still got work to do but loving myself. I’m a good guy, I care, I love, and I am being more supportive to friends and family than I have. I try to understands the complexities that people encounter, and feel in their emotions. I listen, I appreciate, I’m thankful.

I have a list of things I’m doing starting two weeks ago, And I’m being pretty successful

Be completely honest, no matter how the embarrassment strikes 😉

Be less angry, let them go. It feels much better to let the anger flow away, the things that bother me no longer do as much honestly. But I’m doing it.

Enjoy life, every minute of it, I love the things around me, I’m in a public library and just love it, it’s amazing here I snuck some pictures. I’ll post them later.

Last.. be myself, I’m an amazing person, I have the will of steel, I don’t want to be arrogant but I have to give myself the credit.. credit I deserve, I accomplished so much mentally and physically. I’m going to be very successful, just as long as My mind and I can have a mutual understanding. It’s my worst enemy, it’s what tore me apart in my relationship, and tore me apart in other moments in my life. It’s time to face it, and so far so good. I have the confidence and the strength to fight my way through tough times. I’m not going to be broken, and I’m not. I hope my ex is good and feeling as joyful as I, I really do, Graceful girl.. I pray for your success and your wishes to come true. A truly caring person hopes and wishes for the biggest and best for you. I have faith in you.. I have faith in myself, everything is going to be just fine.. In fact more than that. I am very proud of myself and the friends and family I have. And to the followers and viewers I would like to share this song with you.. It helps me out on my crazy days .. This song has  a feel of my emotions i n it.

The feelings I felt of

Pain

Sorrow

Regret

Happiness

Determined

Strength

Success

This song at 2:42 is like me stepping up again, dropping the regret sorrow and pain, an focusing on the bigger picture.. And sprinting for it, I’m going to be and already unstoppable in my pursuit.. and trust me I won’t ever stop.. I have that attitude and the balls to actually do it, I now finally practice what I preach, I am a true badass, don’t have to lie about it this time, I really am. in many ways I am, but I have the power inside me to go for it, and so I am. Anyone can do this, it’s just a state of mind, I pray for those that don’t have it to have the courage and respect to accomplish their dreams and goals with the highest success.

http://youtu.be/jtRhi-P_MjM

I talked to a friend the other night, well text, she was a person very close to me back in high school, I respect and admire this woman (there’s actually several people I truly admire) She told me something I always felt, and something I have actually heard before in different words though. She told me “I saw something in you”. I can’t explain the reason why I’ve felt so many people have told me this, but I feel it. There is this song I have always felt a connection too, I can’t really honestly explain but no bull shit I always felt like this song is talking to me, @ 1:15 in the song that woman’s voice (lovefoxxx). I feel like she is  talking to me , the song made me feel in my lowest times that there was something inside that drives me through it all, something that just has enormous purpose, an I know there is, I have an amazing combination of things, artistic(very very creative), Athletic, will power, strength, determination, love, passion, a feeling of emotion and love for strangers, and now honor, and honesty. I’m getting closer to being fearless. I guess being fearless, is conquering the fear you already have, and continuing to do that for the next set of fears and challenges.

http://youtu.be/MV_3Dpw-BRY

I love that, there really is something inside, I feel it, warmth, its a good feeling… I can’t take all the credit for all this, I have to thank God, my parents, My family, my friends, everyone and her(ya you helped 😉 and for that I am gracious and grateful for you all, thank you. You know  I have witnessed that the people can still exhibit love, and kindness to the person next to them. it really is a spectacle Thank you for that as well.

Lots of good people out there, It’s good to know.

Thank you, again Christian Caballero (By the way don’t forget my name.. I’m serious on that one.. it’ll be bigger than ever one day, it honestly will)

if you want add me on FB  an see how it  starts..

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100003889728661

Thank you guys

Hey everyone, To the people who, read, followed and like my posts.. Thank you, Seriously thank you.. You guys have honestly made me feel stronger, by actually acknowledging and liking my crazy dramatic life long experience. I learned soo much in so little time, and have much more to learn, I didn’t say i was done’ I ain’t no Yoda.. More like whiny Anakin.. 😉 I saw my brother talking ugly to his wife and saw my dad be rude to my mother, and thought man what the hell is your guys problem.. appreciate those women. and love them, help them, comfort them. adore them. My dad should kiss my mothers feet and my brother should do the same to his wife. You know in my negative experience, it really helped my family in a way, after my dad talked nasty to my mom.. He did something he never did before, he apologized and said even when I do that it doesn’t mean I don’t love you… Doesn’t make it better that he bellowed, but he realized and took a small step but took a step in the right direction.. My brother has a nasty temper, after he gave his wife attitude, he said i’m sorry, she said it’s ok i’m used to it, he said ahh but you shouldn’t be, I’m sorry. So to the people that have read this. Especially the guys, unless your counter part is crazy and doesn’t go by the classy side of society and is unfaithful then don’t follow this advice. But for those who have women that they love. Don’t let your stupidity destroy your love. don’t let you testosterone end your moments, don’t let you faults be hidden away from her.. She seems them regardless.. Don’t lie.. If she so accepts you for you.. then stop fronting, stop bickering, stop being mean. be loving, be supportive, be appreciative, be happy. Life is too good to share alone. so don’t kill it.. if you have it don’t lose it. Cause being alone after having someone to share your happiness with is hard, and feels cruel, and if you don’t like standing up and moving on, and if you don’t like pain then cherish the woman that is meant to be for you. If the graceful girl is my meant to be, then she’s my meant to be and time and fate will figure it out, so I leave it to them. So everyone enjoy life.. enjoy it don’t be angry, I enjoy these moments. You too girls. If your man is an ass but you know that he loves and will try for you, then give him a tiny little break, but don’t let him or any body take advantage. Don’t underestimate your intuition either.. It’s your gift among many, I promise you it will serve you right, You guys are beautiful not just physically 😉 , but your whole dynamic and your nature is a real spectacle, no matter mad, crazy, indecisive, shopaholic, barefoot, nails and hair,speeding tickets, your tears, your golden hearts, your love for children and animals, your cleanliness, your humor, your silent but deadly’s, your liveliness, your emotions, your  privilege and honor to carry a child(not saying i want that honor or privilege by any means) but your everything is beautiful and fuckin cool.. Those amazing qualities are only few listed many more there, that are great. Girls are tough, really fucking tough, don’t underestimate them, cause they’ll kick you in the balls..lol. I know that every girl is not perfect but you all have it in you, and us guys too, we have it in us to be the men that are women love, and need and we need in life. enjoy it all, I do, it’s hard to enjoy this particular one but I have to appreciate it because it changed who I am and I how I see things in such a short amount of time, Honesty, compassion, respect, confidence(alil more than usual) ;), realizations, appreciations, faith and hope to fix and correct my errors, my passion to follow my dreams, Strength,honor,and love. I am a smart mother &$^$#@, I really am, not soo much book smart but that will change, I have the potential to do or be whatever i feel. I am lucky to have such a good personality at heart.. I am really.. At heart I am a good, respectful, loving, caring, super sensitive( I hate that part but i can work with it), strong, loyal person. I am proud of myself.. i really am. I think I’m going to be a better person in life.. just because i am acknowledging and praising my pros. And i am acknowledging and fixing my cons. There will always be pros and cons in a person and to being with with. But I want to lessen my cons, and have my pros stand out and out number my few less important cons. I am on the right track to being a true Spartan!! I have an extreme Spartan obsession, Like really extreme, i trey to live my life in Spartan method, Fearlessly, strong, Honorable, and loving. I wish i could put deadly but I ain’t in the military, and i’m not a murderer so I have to scratch that one, but my will power and my will to fight, and try is iron, especially now i actually for once  actually twice 😉 practiced what i preached.. 🙂 now it’s time to do it a third time.

Again thank you guys for listening, You have helped me in a bigger way than you’ve ever imagined, and to the people that are going to read this.. Thank you as well for stopping by and giving me support.. I feel you views and follows are support. If I can do anything for you guys.. Please let me know and I will try my damn hardest.. Except asking for money, I’m broke as a damn joke again..*sighs* feels pretty good 😉

Thanks. Chris.

Now I know

Now I know she didn’t want a man in her life… ah I tried though.. Can’t say i didn’t do that lol. I’m happy for her, she used her courage, and told me to go do my own thing, she said she feels liberated.. Good for you girl… Good for you. I am sincerely happy for you. I’m going to be ok, I’m still going to change but now for my own good. I feel like I haven’t lost anything, but I might have gained something.. Myself.. I’m being able to change my ways and throw them to the curb.. I have to thank you for that. i didn’t get to tell you but one day when you read this you’ll see. i appreciate our times together and cherish your family. i love you.. and Will always more as of now as a friend. you are lovely and a great person, don’t ever forget, and don’t lose that … I took the ring off finally, it felt right this time. If it’s over for now or forever.. i’ll still always remember you with good feelings in mind. Thank you for giving me the strength to carry on. i’m sorry if i creep ed you out with that at the QT i just was uncertain of your feelings, and had to know and see one last time. now that i know. i’m ready to move on.. I will miss you, i really will. love always Chris… 😉

Things are going to get better folks I am so sure of it 😉 there’s always a happy ending to every tale, and mine isn’t done yet.. On my next blog I will tell you how i lost over 160 pounds in less than a freaking year!! Fat teenager to Skinny fit buff 18 yearold 😉 stay tuned. and i will also update on my Adventures in Portland Oregon!!! 😉 let’s stay positive folks and hopeful, it waill go well in the end. PORTLAND HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My sorrowful happiness

My friends I lost her… I saw a different a woman last night, I had broken down and saw the frustration in her eyes. I knew right there that she was in a state of readyness to turn over and strangle my face.. After some time she left for another creative drive.. As I sat in the room I realized I felt the same shit paranoia.. Ahh fuck my face, I knew right there and in that moment no matter what she was doing on that drive, I must give her the space and the time… I’ll tell you watching her drive away after we confirmed a separation was difficult her teary eyes watched me, and a half smile arose.. That was tough to see.. I put my hand on the window and she stopped like she was waiting for me to say something… I just showed her the I love you sign, and she drove… Today she gathered her stuff. Taking down her clothes was extremely tough, seeing pictures of us and her beautiful face happy, we were happy people, I saw some pics that just shows that we had it.. actual love that feeling people search the world for, or the web.. Her father asked me at the storage unit, what the hell happened, one week good then the next minute this? I thought for a sec and said Larry I don’t know, because those other posts, were a bit extreme, I was a jerk fuck, but at the same time, I loved every minute and second with her.. I know that now, this is a learning experience, shitty to say but it really is. Today I quit my job. haha no joke i told them see ya, I have to be going… I grabbed my shit and left to the bank to meet up with my ex… weird to say that but I rather call the graceful girl. We un joined our accounts are there on.. seeing her wasn’t as bad but trying not to tell her.. wait let’s just take a sec to think, do we want this? That question was asked wrong. Do we need this? Ya I think we do.. I realize that now this very instant. I’m setting my sails in a new direction, Portland, Oregon. I leaving this town, because The graceful girl was all that was keeping me here, even thou I was born here and my parents also live here, it feels empty and hollow without her. But I’ll have to get used to that for a while.. i don’t know if we’ll ever be back together and that thought pained me, so I drove to her work after thinking that and seeing a beautiful face on a picture left behind, the picture was the graceful girl’s smile at Epcot. It wasn’t the one I’ve seen were she looks happier with me, all those were taken, but I drove to show her that that’s who she was! A girl that smiled danced the cutest dance and smiled the greatest smile.. I’m not a creep for saying this shit.. I hope not, but her persona is unmatched if you knew her you would agree. Everyone I ever talked too about her said, you got a real good girl there she loves you more than you can see.. :/ what?… YUP! she did, I abused that.. and for that Angel girl I apologize, I really do. I should have appreciated you more, I did but not to it’s fullest, that’s something I’ll always have to live with. I won’t forget you thou… I won’t forget the times we had that made me know, ya she is the one, I know you felt it.. Thinking back I could tell, Ahhh I never let the poor thing rub her bare feet against mine! I hate being bare foot my feet hate it, I have socks on probably like 15-20 minutes tops shy of 24 hours! She loved that. It was a treat for her. All I can say is the next guy I hope see’s that beauty because I do now, and it was already to late… Before I got to her I had this Jerry McGuire speech memorized in my head to spout out to her, I was in the car pretending the picture was her, and told her.  Fuck… :(. Any way when I get to her she was looked a little concerned like whats wrong? Well I went out side, my eyes grew teary a freaking lady opened the door and almost smashed me, so it didn’t go as smooth as it should, But I told her before I go if I didn’t tell you that I was madly in love with you I’d be a fool… I fucking said it.. be a fool… Jesus! how’d did she not laugh her ass off, maybe because my eyes were submerged in wet soppy tears, but none the less I did.. I told her if I make it… I meant in my dream career, so If I make it, I’ll maybe come back for you! damnitt I meant when I make it I’ll come back for you, then after the shit version I spiffed and said if you want… I’m a class act, and an idiot… before I walked away like charlie brown on a bad day she said “I love you”…. My ears perked.. I turned back slowly and saw her standing with the door open, I said I love you too, waved and walked, then I heard a !@#$#@$(my name) I turned back again…. I really love you… I said I love you too, waved and walked away as she slipped back in to her hectic work.. I wasn’t sad at all, actually this warm feeling swept me, like all of a sudden I was floating in the sky with the warmth of the sun hitting me. I saw her face look at me before she went back inside, and I felt it again… you know the funny thing about strong love is it doesn’t die, all you can do is hide it but you can’t get rid of it. I’m might be wrong but for now I believe that is the way… I want you to hear something, The graceful girl and I and her sister, went and saw “the vow” I think you all have either saw it or heard of it, Channing Tatum & Rachael McAdams. After that movie I felt like that guy Leo, at that time, just for a small part in the movie, because the graceful girl did have a small issue with pleasing everyone but herself and me, which I don’t care about me she did amazing instead of trying to help her with it, I fought her with it… You see a person can only take so much, and she has taken enough from not only me in her life, but my stank made it all unbearable, I didn’t know that then, I always thought we’d be together.. but obviously that isn’t how things always work. if i could do it again i would totally, of course differently, I’d be more supportive and understanding and less dick headish and worrisome! if i would have just been me and relaxed, appreciated her more, this would have not been an issue, I love her for everything about her, even before she met me, she has and always be a beautiful person. If i could do it over i so would go back to that lame party at my friends house, and make out with her on the dog hair covered couch and tell you are the most beautiful thing ever.. only I thought that while holding her, but If i could redo it, I would have told her.. and perhaps have taken her and everything more seriously and have done the right thing, dropped the jealousy and stopped feeling bad for myself.I know that now, but unfortunately.. I can’t, but i can’t shake this feeling of serenity I can’t stop and focus why I feel so good after she said I love you, probably she knows the answer but some reason I felt like it would be ok.. it’s all going to be fine I got my calm collected self back in the car, drove home and smiled.. why? cause i don’t know the future, but I know my gut feeling the feeling that spreads warmth all over you soul and body.. I feel that when I see her in my head.. maybe one day i’ll get that chance to do it all over as the man she needs me to be.. The vow is actually very similar, different scenario but almost same premise , My version would be,

Girl loses herself after  working like a horse and dealing with her stressful pain in the ass fiance. The asshole searches deep within himself and notices that he has been the prick, when he goes to confess his love it might be too late… No ending has yet been done.

Leo tried and he didn’t quite get it at first. but after a year he became the winner.

I’m not saying this will happen, But I have faith… I’m going to venture, it could be months years or next life time or after our life time.. but I have this feeling.. that can’t be explained.. 🙂 we will see.. I hope she get’s what she finally deserves,… Happiness, true lively happiness.. and don’t worry graceful girl, you most definitively will..

If one day just in case.. I mean really just in case you feel like you want to start again, maybe when it’s right… You know how to find me, real unlikely scenario but yeah.. I’ll always be there.. And it isn’t impossible to pick up a phone.. and it ins’t impossible for me to come back.. I know wishful thinking right.. But Like I always say… I’ll always be there…..