Rise above

You know it’s been an adventure since may 21st til now. I am happy to say that I have risen above the disasters. I have taken the responsibility. I controlled every outcome of those situation and always went down the road that made it worse. It is so nice to breath with out knots tearing my chest apart, and finally saying goodbye to that ugliness. I move forward finally realizing that I deserve the credit I always took away from myself. I am happy to be me, I love myself a ton. It is awesome I am overfilled with joy and extreme gratitude. Believing in myself always. That attitude change and my quest to redefine myself paid off. I am the luckiest man in the universe, because I have the greatest woman in it, that loves me more than anything and will always support, care trust and believe in me as well, always remains faithful and respectful of herself , I and our family. Truth be told I took her and our lives for granted. Instead of thanking god everyday for her, I just flew on by. Never again, Never ever again. It will and always will be different, because we make each other happier than anyone will ever make us. For that I am just thankful as thankful can be! Thank you for this chance and opportunity, to show her I am the man for her, and she is the woman for me. Thank you thank you thank you!

Okay so an update it’s time to start. My Video presentation will hit Indiegogo and Kickstarter very soon, I need your guys help to make it happen, and spread the word. I will update the blog with the links to the pages. I am going through different avenues, still haven’t heard back from Luc Besson, I will soon though I know it. Okay so the project starts now. The list of people and resources I wish to obtain and will obtain:

1. Ember labs and Mike Grier.

2. Autofuss production company

3. Jon Proudstar

4. James Cameron evaluation (I will get it)

5. Kalen Chock (Concept Art)

6. Michael McCann Composer

7. News stations and radio stations, social media, this blog and youtube promoters to promote the project and the links to Kickstarter and IndieGogo

8. A famous actor… Maybe Sam Worthington.. Worth a shot huh

9. the funding to make it possible, Almost there, I will meet my goal, and bring together more communities to make it happen.

10.  Luc Besson ( Iwill get him too)

I can do this, and I will. Of course not alone, I am going to need support, I would like to ask you if you can help in anyway, just to spread to help spread the word about redefiningmyenity and the Kickstart, Inidgogo journey!. Thank you very much for reading my posts I grammar filled errors But none the less I appreciate it and you.

I am ready to make a movie, and perhaps change the world in some positive way. My real goal with this is too , create a revolution of our own. Thank you.

About me:

1. I feel bad when I kills insects, I know ridiculous

2. I am a big softie

3. I can be mean

4. I am a fearful person

5. I am a fearless person

6. I try to love everyone and everything, I am actually very good at this.

7. I am learning a very important skill, patience

8. I face my fears and problems for the first time

9. I love being honest and having honor

10. I believe we can achieve anything.

11. I believe in everyone

12. I still respect dogs and animals as our equals

13. I eat meat and vegetables too

14. I have never smoked pot, no joke. But I have pissed myself drunk

15. I tell people I don’t cry at movies, honestly that would be untrue I cried to P.S I love you(don’t ask) and 300 “My Queen, My wife, My Love”. King Leonidas, gets me every time.

16. Movies I watched over and over as a little kid, Terminator 2: judgment day(for real), Seven Samurai, Dustin checks in, Indiana Jones! Star Wars (Big Fan, not of Hayden though)(or Jarjar), BackDraft(with my older bro), Ofcourse beauty and the beast, little mermaid, Aladdin! Lion King, True Lies, Total Recall, Die Hard (1,2,3), Jaws(~~^~~ dun dun), and a lot more.

17. I sometimes bust out with random weird humor, I actually cuss quite a bit, trying to cut it down.

19. I laugh at things people think are dumb.  laughing so hard you cry is the best. Three men that have ever made me cry laughing, My two uncles and my best friends grandpa.

20. I can be a pain in the ass

21. I have a crazy sense of willpower.

22. I am in love with the most beautiful woman in the universe.

23. I value love, over money, hope over overwhelming odds, first thoughts are always to  never limit myself.

24. I am in love with my beautiful sweet gorgeous unborn baby daughter, Aliyah Rose Caballero.

25. I want to help change the world.

My little video when I was 16: Anyone like the Predator:

http://s132.photobucket.com/albums/q16/sarge122/?action=view&current=predatorclip_0003.mp4&evt=user_media_share

My toys, I loved Metal Gear solid so at 14 I made my own video with them and edited both these myself.

http://s132.photobucket.com/albums/q16/sarge122/?action=view&current=mgs_0002.mp4&evt=user_media_share

I actually started my little videos at 12 with Steven Spielberg’s Lego movie studio set! Dang did I love that Lego set I made probably like a hundred videos, everyday before and after school weekends you name it.

At 14 I began teaching myself to use Adobe After Effects, my first skill learned was the Light saber:

Then muzzle flashes:

And explosions:

Haha I did these all around 14 to 15. Then at 15 I started doing green screen:

beautiful

Then after that I went nuts! At 18 I began getting into even crazier things:

I wanted to do this movie called VIR, will one day. It’s a superhero flick

I wanted to do my own adaptation of  Red Dawn (there already doing one, dang!)

At 17 I began getting into 3d animation and Cgi. I began working the the incredible program, E-on’s Vue Xstream! I made some wild pictures and islands and environments, sadly the computer I did it on crashed hard core and I was almost in tears when I lost it all. I began doing a lot of motion tracking, and 3d set extensions and just really fun stuff. I did this because finding some one as passionate as I was for film was hard, so I taught myself a one man show. Unfortunately that’s why I never got to do my own short film, the best was the Predator one haha. I was a determined 16 year old, my mom did the camera work on a older nikon digital camera. It worked fine! My work now is different and a little more complex. Now I work more with the camera and create new styles to adapt into film:

There was this photo contest online by Ron Howard and Canon these were the pics I submitted. I remember that day I wanted to take pictures that were of things you don’t see everyday, my sister and mom told me to go with them out into town. I said nah, i have to think about what I am going to do for pictures. Sure enough they get me to go. Something felt right about going as we started driving. I took my camera out of  its bag, and waited. I was curious to what i was going to see. My sister said I’m glad you came, your going to get your pictures. Sure enough no joke two minutes later, these abandoned hotels by the river were blazing on fire. And the fire department was working to put it out. I told my sis pull over!! I hopped out of the car and began snapping shots. No one was hurt, they were abandoned, but it was amazing to see, the heroic sight. Something you don’t see everyday:

I got the pictures I wanted, Thank the lord no one was hurt I would have felt awful. Still a Historic location was destroyed. It was really crazy to see.

The loves of my life:

My car, Max

My sweet baby girl,  Phoenix. 1 year and 2 months old and over 110 pounds

My Daughter Ali (Al-Lee)

And  of course the graceful girl, but I should ask her permission first before throwing a picture up, haha even though we are back together.

I didn’t know if I mentioned how grateful I am for her. I honestly would take up 36 posts just to write the way she makes me feel, best word for is just… wow. When they say she takes  your breath away, she really does :D . I am luckiest man in the universe. My love to Aliyah and Sarah. forever an ever ;)

By the way My Name is Christian Caballero, if I haven’t introduced myself formally or officially

This is me.

So I have to thank you all, I am very grateful for your follows and likes, and for putting up with my terrible grammar. I am learning as I go on :P

If you’d like an extra friend on face book :D

http://www.facebook.com/chris.cabbnomad

Thank you all, I wish for the best things in life to you. Christian

For Ali (Al-lee) & her beautiful mother love you both.

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Revised, and an Update

Okay my friends I have a story… I have hit a small snag, no worries it’ll be dealt with very quickly. I want to try extend my deadline to august 25th. I have much to do. Good news a story in on board. after some more work is done I will present it on here and to others for a vote on the story. I will need your help, I have to get a wide perspective. It might not have original music, since my composer is working on tracks and not sure if he has started. August 15th will be the release date for the vote. If you’d like to show other folks please feel free, please make sure you get their input. I will update how I’d like you to rate it and vote a yes on the story or a no. A no means back to the drawing board. Don’t worry the story and material will be protected before it hits on here, and will make sure people are very aware of this. Thank you very much. I have a knot in my stomach, a little nervous but I know it’ll make an impression, a good one. The story is well done, now it depends on how I word it and present it to you guys. I know you will enjoy it very much. especially you sci fi fans. There is a bit of everything for everyone. Wish me luck guys and girls, I hope to go beyond your expectations and have you floored. appreciate it very much.

For Ali

Thank you. Christian.

Believing in a Hero

I am keeping my attitude strong, Positive, working hard, making new friends. I am start to sink on some days. I can pull my self out. So much on y mind and it’s the negative darkness overtaking my mind. It feels so hard, I know it isn’t hard, it’s easy and I can overtake. I just have these moments I am trying to eliminate. I sometimes see my self being beat down, held and taking hits to the face. I can take the hits, one after another I can look forward and the pain fades. I will do what I have to too, and I will take that moment, to remember what I am, and what I can do. 

 

It drives me crazy, anger and frustration have been circulating my head, I worked so hard and thought I conquered this fully. I obviously didn’t, I let it take me again. Knowing that I have a child coming into this world, and knowing I can’t have a family, hurts more than anything. The mother is a great lady, but I don’t know if she is right for me. I am a nice guy too nice. I have recently trended loving everything and everyone. I love life and I know this moment is just me ranting and letting out, so I can focus. I want the woman that I am suppose to be with, whoever she may be to know I promise, I will always support you and have you back, doesn’t matter. I want our time with each other to be appreciated, I want to go and live and I want you to too, as long as I know you’ll be home with me at the end of the night. I don’t care if you flirt for a free drink or dance with your friends, have fun. I will have fun too, and I will be home to you too. I want us to enjoy our lives together. I will always be faithful and I will always be honest I use to lie a lot to evade from embarrassment. Everyone that has just met me knows more about me than anyone even my family, just ask and I will tell you always. I am honorable I will always do the right thing and I already do. This is me there is more and words are cheap. Actions have a way of proof. I can I will.

I don’t know why I write this, honestly fate decides my way in that portion, I decide the rest for me. I know what I am going to do, in these moments of weakness, if I said I am always positive and strong I would be lying, yeah the “Hero” who I am referred to is “Human”. I can and do overcome this, it feels hard like I said. Fear fills my heart and brings the doubt. I by nature want to blame everyone else, but there is no one to blame but myself. That is the part that makes me more. I know it is me, I am the soul reason for for nonsuccessive nature. I have brought all my fears to life, because I created it. I know this, I know this by heart. I also know I can change this, I know I have the power to change the pattern to get out of the circle, I have done it already. I know what to do to combat my negative nature, but somehow I still let it get through. I will continue to succeed, this is just a state of mind and it bleeds out the feeling. I know it’s a challenge, it honestly is a easy challenge. I don’t really like talking to people about it, especially ones who see me and are inspired by me and my success, the “Hero” feels pain, the “Hero” loses faith, the “Hero” doubts? Yeah I do, but I’ll tell you something, its about how we go forward with it. I don’t want you to lose your inspiration, these moments happen, and keep that inspiration close to your heart, because when I achieve my dream, I want you to know even with these moments, success is still obtainable and right in reach. We determine our our success. I have determined mine and I am living it.

 

When I get there, I will tell you can. “Real Human,… Real Hero” 

 

An update on my dream. Its still in the planning stage, Film Festivals and Contacts are gathering, I have people willing to help and that are already helping. I am going to use the nations talent for my success. Have to get more information before opening my company, Eye Watch. Now it’s time to learn the business and talk to potential Investors and pitch my passionate Idea to the world. I am ready and it is in grasp. I want this, I will have this, I already have it.

Put your mind to your dreams and k now life is easy life is good and we can do what ever we want. Not unrealistic that thought is for people who have never had the courage to do it. An always wonder why life is so hard and struggling, and for those who have tried and failed and feel regret and doubt and felt it while trying, lose the attitude, because that is why we fail. Mind set, our minds are much more than we think. Us we (our minds) pave the way for our wants and needs. If you have a dream go for it, you want to be a millionaire go for it. 

People sometimes think it’s crazy and I am a 22 year old nut bag who doesn’t make sense. Well I am a nut bag… a cute one by the way but I do make sense.. It’s common sense. What we want want is always inside us, and stays close by. Look inside, and you’ll be surprised what you find. Power.

Have a good one folks, I am still on my path and working to have it, and I am going too, watch, watch me closely I promise you..  I will do it.

Christian Caballero.

Pursuing a dream.

It’s great feeling. Anybody can open their eyes, and watch their world, fall, and rise. Focusing on it’s rise, is like watching the stars appear while the sun sets. Make that wish on the first star I saw. I always had it in me. Now applying it is an accomplishment I just reached. Doubts still try and bloom in my stomach, but my POSITIVE attitude will accomplish it all. I know this, my dream and passion will happen. Your support is important to me, all the support is much appreciated, and I’m sure there will be more and to you I truly thank you. My success starts here. I hope for all who read this can apply the method and mind set to any situation in life. It is honestly true we make it harder than it is, life is an unpainted canvas and we through on the paint. We paint our pictures, and we can always make a new canvas or re paint over the old, there is no limitation. Always a way. Everyone in this planet has a challenge we are all connected and have so much in common we all have hurt or hurt, we all have had great moments, we all think, feel, and experience. Humans have good and bad’s to them, ugliness, and beauty. I hope that my child can live in this life with sense of fearlessness. The only fearless their is. Feeling fear is apart of life and won’t ever go away, we all will always have fear and new fears. It’s the people that can overcome those fears and face them continue on through it all. That’s a fearless individual. We all know this and do it everyday. People don’t ever give them self the credit they deserve and pride on the weakness, and others pride on the delusion of power. Honesty, Faith, Honor, Loyalty, Integrity, Determination, Love. I believe these exist in all of us. This is my first steps in a new direction, I sent my old negative self on his way.

So now I focus on the dream, for me and my baby. My baby is my inspiration so I’am going to do this, so when she opens her eyes for the first time, she’ll have a father waiting there to hold and kiss her, and let her know it’s all ok daddy did it. I have little time, but that isn’t unrealistic. I can do this and have the establishment by then or be close to it’s way. Either way before the age of 24 I will have my dream in hand. I will do this, not alone though. That is the truth. Help and advice is needed, not alone. I will forever has this team in my heart and repay them in the greatest ways. I promise. This is how it all starts, I know my outcome, I just don’t know how it will happen, a true mystery. I honestly don’t ask for help I should have before, but I didn’t want to bug anyone, or make anyone upset, I still don’t but now that I have a little one on the way, I have to pull all the resources, I’m going to be honest I’m hoping that this blog will help, I hope people will read and see who I am in these writings, crappy writings but writings.  I have to do what i have to for me but my baby too. I repeat myself a lot haha. I ask the viewers for your help, advice, or connections to people who love the industry and are willing to help in various ways. Advice, guidance in the right direction anything will help. I have to pull this card, because I have to have a million options open so I can get a bite. I appreciate you guys and your appreciation for this blog. You inspire me and I really hope I inspire you and can help make your days good. Ha dang I have changed a bunch. Thank you guys I appreciate the help that you have already offered.

Thanks.

Christian Caballero.

The answers we might never know

You know on may 19th 2012 is the day I almost lost her, it was may 21st when I lost her, so let’s back up. The graceful girl and I were driving from home depot, she looked sad and depressed and i asked her what was wrong, no reply, I stopped at a gas station, asked her what was wrong.. I said do you want to break up except I was a little more harsh i wrote earlier I was bluffing a cowardly tactic to use on a woman in a state of confusion and sadness. I left the car, walked down the road angry, upset crying.. she didn’t drive to get me… I have done this before, not proud to say it but I did for attention and to make her feel bad(prick move) I did a lot of stupid worthless shit just to get her attention, when fact is I always had it. before I continue we had a time where we were like that, she was quiet, numb un responsive, We decided to go to a strip club with our friends :s Yup we were 19 and we went, on the way there, we fought she was treating me like an asshole for real.. so i jumped out of the car, at this time in out relation ship, she treated me kind of bad, weird how the tables turned, I was different then, I rubbed her feet constantly and her back was laid back and I just loved her.. I was still Mr. jealous and a little bit controlling but not that as bad as now. My issues weren’t around then, just the two. So I jumped out the car said fuck this, walked through a busy intersection, sat around and cried again, fuckin crying why!!! Ah Well even then when we had only been together a few months I thought i lost the woman of my dreams.. How the hell did I know that then, I had walked out one more time before this one she was still in her numb mode, staring off not thinking, just spaced out. and her dad actually picked me up to talk to me and say man you gotta get through to her, cause she loves you. haha well played sir. I went back and worked it out. Now back to strip club night. I’m on the side walk for about 10 15 minutes just needed time, she comes walking up crying, I’m sorry @#^$# (myname) I’m sorry. I looked at her and Screamed I’m Done!!!!! Her face melted down and she cried harder please no she said, Please no.. I couldn’t just leave her, those tears made me feel awful, she didn’t guilt me, at that time in my life i would have held her calmed her down and said ok look this just isn’t working… but I didn’t feel that, I said i was sorry held her and told her I loved her… We did move awfully fast, i mean we were engaged at about 4 months into our relationship.. maybe 3 lol it was quick.. After that night we were still a little awkward after the fight but then after we left, we calmed down she held me in the car I told her I loved her and she said I know and did that smile, looked at my face up and down and said again in a soft voice I love you…. I remember all these moments, I have a great memory, I even remember what she wore that night, Blue shirt with high sleeves with these little ruffle things, and white shorts , with her brown Hollister sandals. I even remember what she wore the first night we met, Purple shirt, can’t remember the tank top color underneath, but yeah Purple shirt, denim short shorts 😉 and the brown sandals lol. She loved those sandals. This girl was crazy at first.. we had bumps in the road but we always got through them. I’ve been seeing that the people who actually love each other you know ones that you can see love in their eyes old young, whatever, they seem to be telling me the rough times they’ve had and some are actually worse. they said it get’s better with time but don’t give up, work through.. I hear that and i know I have to, this is like my calling, break up with girl.. realize your faults and work hard for her, you know i know they call them want’s but i say you work hard enough for anything you can get it. But only if the love she had for me is still there, I feel it.. she has it right in her soul.. I still don’t know why I’m saying that with soo much confidence but I am.. She does love me.

back to may 19th..

After my walk i realized oh shit what are you doing dick head!! I’ll skip the part i mentioned in my very first post but excuse the negativity.. as I write I’m growing more and more secure and less narrow, and just in general growing as a person. Not where it needs to be but i’m getting there. So After hours of hearing no calls and I’m cleaning our room , I get a call from her, I grabbed the phone sooo fast and said hello babe are you ok I’m sooo sorry , she was crying and  said “no i’m sorry, i’m soo stupid I went to my parents and caused a fuss I’m sorry, I’m coming home”. I said no babe it’s my fault, I’m sorry, I am so sorry, please come home I love you. She said “I love you too, I’ll see you in a bit”. 3 hours went by nothing, I ran outside every minute to see if she was coming down the road.. nothing.. When she came back she was totally different.. Like the chick in ghost busters “are you the gate keeper”. She had a different look in her eyes, she told me everything.. It didn’t sound like her at all, in fact the next couple days she acted soo strange.. i went online read anxiety symptoms and how to help with people suffering from Anxiety. i went to my mothers friends house and learned more, she is also a person who is familiar with high anxiety and depression… I tried.. I freakin tried.. She seemed so lost, no joke, even now that I see her she seems different. And I didn’t tell her because she told me that she doesn’t know if who she is is really her because if I changed her.. Shit, That sunk in deep, but you know I’ve known her for 3 years and lived with her for that long… I know who she is, she is a sweet , social, freakin funny, gorgeous, super loveydoovie, girl. She sleeps with her little stuffed animal that makes her feel safe. I mean what’s not to love! It just seemed so weird how she changed tempo from saying sorry i love you to saying I don’t know if we are going to make it, in the span of 3 hours, did she really not love me and just found the courage to say it.. or did she love me and somehow just had an instant change of heart.. focusing on the negativity and so on… Was she influenced.. i have no clue, I keep trying to figure it out, when i just want to ask her what the hell happened, Should I ask her, before I leave, just get the honesty out? i don’t know what i’m expecting, i don’t even know why i’m writing all this.. but I know i still love her crazy.. I’m changing everyday, different moods different realizations the same , guy.. Over the last three years i clouded my self who i was.. I need to step out now.. If i don’t I really feel i lose the girl I love.. The person I can’t regret no more.. I have to have my final chance just to talk to her before I go. just to see if she feels we really have a chance, to tell her i’m changing slowly but surely, to ask if she has that faith that i do. i want and need her to be totally honest.. because I’m leaving so why not be honest.. now. Whether she says stay or leave i have to leave… ok honestly if she says stay I will. but she probably won’t, this ain’t fairy tale this is life.. If we get that fairy tale ending I’ll always treat her like the blessing she is.. Because she is. I was blessed to have her i really was…

Excuse my weakness

I looked back at my other posts and realized dude.. It’s fine.. it’s is going to work out, so stop.. and relax.. Chill.. and be calm… Graceful girl there really is an entity here it feels like your hugs.. I can’t explain it, I think that piece of you you felt you lost is still here still around.. Now I’m talking more spiritual, i’m not a nut I really am not, I can act like a child and do shit for attention 😉 and not realize my faults but but i’m not crazy.. I feel you.. I can feel your heart and mood, it’s weird totally fuckin bushwhacked.. but i can feel your soul, girl. It’s silly but my faith is relying on a magic 8 ball app on my droid.. haha technology huh, every time I see the answer i don’t want I keep shaking it lol.. Fuckin thing pisses me off sometimes. One thing i know for certain is she needs space total outward space.. she needs time, to heal and to win her personal hide an go seek she has going on within. It’s ok she’ll get it.. she’ll get a lot of things she wants.. I want to be the man for her of course, I want her to stand up tall and strong always, she thinks I think she is weak.. she is not, I know she ain’t hip on confrontation, and who is, she does sometimes hide, but not always. graceful girl don’t take anymore shit babe, don’t.. you are tough as nails.. to break off a 3 year love is tough.. for you to finally see whats needs to happen and go for it wasn’t easy, you did the right thing, if you followed your heart you did the right thing. But don’t follow influence, follow your soul.. always follow yourself and no one else. If I were to die today I would be totally sad and distraught, I haven’t completed myself yet.. Only time will tell where life is headed for me.. This 3 year time was like my life, she was my life, I did it all for her sacrificed soo much, and so did she, and I don’t regret it at all, I try not to know I honestly feel any regrets just heart ache. I only regret what I should have changed but no longer can.. I can only change the behavior that set me up here. I never told her thank you in person, I have to remember to do that. Just a thank you for everything you have done for me, Thank you for your beauty, thank you for sharing your dearest treasured memories.. I was always in denial with her, huge steamy dumb blinding denial. I was. there were times I felt that I hated her, that how could I love this girl.. i used to feel she never fought for me.. So I fought for her about it.. She wasn’t much communicator either, she rather hide her feelings than share them, I feel like she has done that her whole life.. I feel like her whole life she has lived somewhat unhappy at times.. she said she always felt Guilt, pressure, depression, insecure at times, and stress, which all equals a big stress bomb.. if i would have known then I totally would have been more supportive, I would have listened and gave her more time than she ever needed. She can always trust me.. she can.. with anything she needs to trust me with.. you know I have never cheated.. 3 years no cheating, not going to lie i have had women do some pretty crazy things to try an acquire me, mostly in my college classes, i’m not trying to be arrogant, I apologize if i sound it but I’m not. at work, school, in public, girls would say and try some pretty irresistible stuff (for most men). All I had to do was see my ring and I saw her.. It was like a super ring, she used to kiss it to give me kisses for the day so i could kiss it.. haha she was thoughtful and freakin funny cute, I still have a bunch left over and yes I still kiss it. (leave me alone damnitt) No matter how attractive the women were they were still no match compared to her. You see that’s why this situation is hard and complicated, I had a love that broke through all bounds, we made it through soo much honestly we should have broken up many times before. But we didn’t we worked it out and stuck close.. we still managed to have happy days, fun days. I wanted to take her to go caving before we split.. I wanted her to have fun,I wanted to go skydiving with her, and travel with her, travel like road trips and maybe Puerto Rico, and Hawaii definitely wanted to see where she grew up, Olympia, Fields ,IL. the place where all stars come from ;).. You know writing this and hoping us to get back together sucks.. the feeling is hard, One day I read her face book messages on her ITouch I never told her because I was afraid she’d leave me… idiot.. I shouldn’t have looked just trusted, but i did. I saw a message from her first love stating that he messed up in high school and wanted another chance.. I was infuriated totally pissed off, I wanted to confront her and say what the fuck.. but honestly what would that have accomplished.. I shut up up held a grudge like always and went on treating her badly.. She knew how jealous I was so how could she talk to me. I blame… blame and blame my self for this.. I know I shouldn’t but I do, cause, If I just relaxed I would have been fine, right now I’d be sitting with her, watching T.V or working out at the gym or taking her to work or going to breakfast.. maybe on a giant hike, or go shopping with her and help her pick out clothes.. I hated shopping, my mother is too blame for that shit.. But watching her shop and all women is interesting.. it’s like clothes on a rack and they know automatically what to do, the sounds of hangers sliding on metal, their intense fierce looks, bumping into other women for that last size of the jeans.. haha. the graceful girl asks a million questions when shopping an was very indecisive.. it used to annoy me, but it was actually cool, that’s what made her perfect.. just standing there like all women looking through the same pile 100 times. I should have enjoyed that more. I enjoy the memories, her in the dressing room haha funny stuff, one time  it was like a huge sale going on.. her mother, her sisters all went shopping at Khols, yes I was there, separation anxiety boy.. They would all just lerk around together like they’re going through a maze, these determined women, then after they gathered all their clothes they’d pile into the dressing  room, gossip, laugh loud! talk, goof around, ask a million times do I look fat or ugly, try on something else and I heard ughhh, burggg, ewww.. “oh that seems nice”. haha it was hilarious they are all good people. the older sister doesn’t really mix well anymore with me. that’s ok she still is a good person, she’s the funniest of them all when shopping lol, she was the most concerned and determined one of all, she is a beautiful person. The younger sister, yikes she made it hell for me when The graceful girl and I first dated, but she ended being one of the coolest people I have ever met, very strong willed, freakin hilarious, very kind hearted, you’d never think so at first cause she is a fire cat. she’ll tear you up.. but she is a sweet person.. has the world pretty much figured out, no one should every worry about the little one, she is strong, and really smart. The mother, she is scary sometimes , not as much as the little sister, but she can be fury’s way. That woman is cool, she actually had a comforting feeling about her, a feeling i neglected, I was just angry at the issues she had with me and my mom, and the graceful girls and I relationship but she was strong devoted woman, loved her family more than anyone could ever love. She is very inspirational, 5 children one of which she lost after birth.. She has been threw hell, she watches children day in day out, her grand children, takes care of them, you see the love, and that’s the love the 4 kids got.. it was cool to see.. I neglected soo much. The dad was a true definition of tough. the man know’s so much, and accepts a lot when he shouldn’t have to. He made me laugh the hardest laughs.. he is a good man, someone I’ll always keep in mind when i need to get threw tough times another father figure to me. The little angel they called my niece, That little girl I’ll always miss, she was just a little angel, funniest kid you’ll ever meet. I should have said good bye to her. The brother, is a mysterious fella, he is a cool guy, lives in a barrel of constant stress, no good for his health but he pulls through, he is a good guy, I see  him like a brother. It’s crazy that I didn’t appreciate the Graceful beauty, but I also didn’t appreciate the wonderful family that was infact  family.. they were my family. I wrecked it, they are tough to get along with at times but they are some extraordinary people, I had fun almost every time I went there, but I didn’t ever admit it. Damn fool… I thought they were messed up and crazy and weird. but they are not, they are a strong loving family. way different to mine, mine are crazy too. Not perfect at all, my family is actually boring and seriously annoying a lot! I learned a lot from her family that I neglected. I realize yet another thing, i really loved her family, i really do. I used to say that but I was lying i let anger and jealousy blind me from it, I was jealous of them, the love they had for each other. The love the graceful girl had for them and they had for her… I didn’t appreciate that.. they involved me in everything, they let me live there, let me eat there, let me experience Christmas there.. They did perfect yet another idiotic neglect I had. jealousy, Controlling, bad temper and spoiled are a terrible combination. That is all inside of me, I’m conflicted as well I’m trying to fight it all at once.. I forgot to mention laziness..  If I get this all figured out I honestly don’t want it to be given to another girl.. I want the best of me, given to her and her family. I wasn’t always lazy, i wasn’t always angry, I was always  jealous and controlling but they both got worse.  You know I said “if” I get this all figured out haha nope, “when” I get this all figured out.. I will get it done. I know it. Graceful girl don’t lose it ,the water’s high and don’t be jumping into it… don’t become undone yet..